Advice needed.......Nutty 2yr old!!!

[Mrs H]

Please please help!! My 2 and a half year old daughter is independant, feisty and believes she rules! She is getting out of hand and I don't know how to stop it!! She is horrible to her older brother and younger sister, she scrabs them, hits them and throws things at them. When she gets told off she just doesn't care, its water of a ducks back to her, she will say sorry but defo doesn't sound like she means it.
She is such a polite lovable little girl most of the time but when that red mist drops and she doesn't get what she wants she is a nightmare!!
We never had any of this with Finley and I feel completely swamped. Please help!!

[greenishfingers]

Hi,my grandson is going through the same lovely phase,we've tried telling him off,explaining why he shouldn't hit/push/run over with bike/shut out in garden...his little sister,but he just carries on. We've even tried 'naughty step' and ignoring him but frankly its too dangerous to ignore him for long.Being only 2,I think they just don't understand the consequences of what they're doing. Maybe we should just hop that the 'TERRIBLE TWOS' is over soon !!!

[sarahkeast]

Find what motivates her, offer or withdraw it as appropriate.

Give space, notice of expectations/changes etc and most of all BE CONSISTENT.

Heck I dont know, still trying to figure it out and mine are teens !

[chickenchargrill]

We had a huge problem with my youngest daughter but she was a bit older by the time we figured out how to handle her. But the easy part is ABC (Antecedent - what triggers the behaviour, Behaviour, Consequence - what happens afterwards/what reward does she get)

Try and remove yourself from your family for a moment and think about how her family react to her behaviour. Don't forget that with siblings it can be a fight for attention and sometimes even shouting can fulfil that need. If you can predict a behaviour before it happens, do whatever you can to avoid it. Something like, 'You're brother is busy and can't play with you so why don't you come with me and we'll sing some songs while I do x.'

You can try loads of things, but the hard part I'm afraid is finding out what actually works for you and your family. If it is all just for attention then leaving the room or removing LO may work. Even more so if you are showing her how much fun you're all having while she's having a sulk. Just don't forget to help her join in the fun when she is behaving. We tried reward charts, time outs, removing favourite toys... we only had a breakthrough with Eleanor when we jokingly tried non-violent communication we'd read about in Green Parent. I don't particularly like the phrase because it makes it sound like most parents are violent. You basically, in a calm voice ask to speak to them and ask why they did x. The article itself gave examples with long words but the point of it is that you're having a conversation with them where they can say what's bothering them without confrontation and through that conversation you can help them empathise with the person they have hurt, as well as increase your understanding of them.

That may be something for the future rather than now, depending how far along LO's communication skills are. I feel that it's communication, as well as feeling they should be the centre of the world, that leads to behavioural problems around that age.

It is super hard working out exactly how to deal with it when you're in the middle of things.

[oldjerry]

The latest child always has one more older person to deal with than all the others have had.My youngest had 2 sisters so he's been a bit 'mothered' so less probs when he's young,maybe more in a few years to come.My 2nd daughter however,is still a pain in the arse,not helped by the fact that that she's the brightest,it won't seem helpfull right now,but he's probably just try ing to find his place.I agree with all the above,be consistent,fair and loving.You're good parents anyway,be strong,this will pass. BW.

[chilitony]

having a 3 & 6 year old daughters (price of a fish supper) My kids are learning, by hanging around with me!
They still do my haed in, when i get home from work-bless em!

[Mrs H]

Thanks for all ur replies it has really helped to know that we r not on r own!!! Xxx

[boboff]

Don't worry, it will be ok. My son was a bit of a "personality" at that age, it really was a case of all of the above, fairness especially, repeated warnings, and them punishment without sorrow. Try and find the biggest think in their lives, give them a couple of warnings to remove it, if they do not behave, then remove it. Next time, find the next biggest thing, and so on, until they work out that you mean it and that you will follow through with your threats.

A friend once said, if you want to train a dog, if you tell it off you have to "break" it, i.e. it has to be under no allusions who is the boss, a 2 year is the same, it's all about tone and them believing you mean business, not about physical punishment or anything, just being "hard"

Breaks your heart though.

[chickenchargrill]

I wouldn't necessarily agree with that, like I said, depends on the parents/carers and kids. Mine are much more likely to end up in tears and not do it again if I am obviously disappointed by their behaviour and get them to empathise, than if I take x away from them.

Having said that, very much agree with any threats *must* be followed through. Otherwise they just think they can do whatever without consequence.

[becks77]

Sorry you are having troubles I hope they do pass.
My youngest has always been "feisty" this started around the age of 2 she's now 13 and still feisty, her temper can turn at the flick of a switch and it is usually aimed at me and has been quite violent at times, I tried everything, she is very clever and any punishment was like water off a ducks back, however recently (and it has taken this long to find what works for us) we have had walks together where she can vent her feelings and whatever is said on the walk...stays on the walk, unless it needs attention obviously, seems to be a trust building thing. Perhaps you could find something similar for LO that may help
All the best