Happy hour

[Tigerhair]

There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants down
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down




And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and
collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at
their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft
background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a
bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the
hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days. Then slowly, the house e began to smell.
They tried verything, cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents
were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air
fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off
gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the
end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the
house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer
and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half,they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a
new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He
told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that
she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce
settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had
no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th
of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers
that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the
paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new
home,................including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

nowadays 80 % of women have decided against marriage. they have realised that for 4oz of sausage its not worth marrying the whole pig !

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE most adorable laughing babies:


http://www.killsometime.com/Video/video.asp?ID=465

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffyg = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck y = hiney
z = juice


Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.
I am Fluffy Dippin-Hiney

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is going to be a new range of Star Treck mens underware launched soon. Its going to be called...

Shatner Pants

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nation's knicker secrets revealed
One in 10 people wear their underwear for three days in a row, a peep into the nation's smalls has revealed.

And a similar percentage of people has owned a pair of knickers or underpants for more than 10 years.

The survey was carried out by Gaynor Lea-Greenwood, a senior lecturer in fashion marketing at Manchester Metropolitan University.

She said 5% of the population also admitted wearing their briefs inside out to get an extra day's wear.


Percentage of population with 10-years-old pants
East Anglia 10%
East Midlands 10%
London 12%
North East 7%
North West 6%
South East 7%
South West 9%
West Midlands 12.4%
Yorkshire and Humberside 9%

"We clearly have a lot to learn in the pants' department," said Ms Lea-Greenwood.
"It appears we have some curious ideas when it comes to cleanliness."

And more than half of the population have 10 to 20 knickers or pants in their underwear drawer.

The survey also revealed sharp regional variations such as 34% of people in the West Midlands spray their undergarments with perfume to make them smell better.

This compares with 17% of people in the South West and 19% of people in the North East.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack said to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery,"

Mike replied. "There's a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor".

So Jack collected a urine sample in a small jar and took it to Asda. He deposited five pounds, and the computer lit up and asked for the urine sample. He poured the sample into the slot and waited.. Ten seconds later, the computer ejected a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen. He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and waited for the results.

The computer printed the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...........

Thank you for shopping at Asda

[Shirley]

HAHAHA

My new name is

Dorky farkle-doodle

Funny... I've ALWAYS hated my name... but somehow I think I'll stick with it afterall.

[Tigerhair]

Dorky farkle-doodle HA HA

I prefer Dorkie Farkie-Doodle... (which is how I read it first time!) I will call you that from now on.... OK me dear?

[The Chili Monster]

LMAO!

Goober Dippinfanny can't wait to afflict work colleagues with these tomorrow!

[Andy Hamilton]

Cheesy dippin chunks. - sounds like something from the dreaded Mcdonalds

[Wombat]

Sneezy Hubblehump

Nev

[Ranter]

Snooty Farkle-Face

Some might say that's a bit too close to the truth for comfort...

[ina]

Snickle Fricken-Butt

[Goodlife1970]

Dipsy Wafflelips (well the Dipsy bits right!)