Unwanted advice, am I over reacting?

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Nomada
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Unwanted advice, am I over reacting?

Post: # 193428Post Nomada
Thu Apr 15, 2010 6:40 pm

There's a bloke on our allotment site, few plots down from me who keeps giving me a load of advice, which would be fine, except he's quite patronising and pushy when he does it. The first time I met him he practically told me off for not having a load of seedlings ready to go in the ground. Because I can obviously magic up mature seedlings after having the plot for a total of five days :roll: . This is to the point where he's actually taken a spade off me to dig my trenches for my potatoes because he thought they'd be better going in one particular bed over the other despite me saying potatoes were already grown in that bed the year before and that I wanted them to go in the other one. His repsonse was 'this rotation stuff doesn't matter, you should just spray the potatoes anyway'. :angryfire: I took the spade back.

He doesn't seem to understand that I have my own plans for what I want to go where and how I'll go about doing it (as organically as possible for a start). Think he just has a very different way of doing things. Today he's been making me nervous that my cabbages aren't outside in a bed yet. Is this a problem? They're almost ready to go out, they need a couple more leaves on first. And he was again telling me what to put where. I think I'm just feeling patronised because he speaks to me like I've never grown a single thing before, but I do have some experience, I cared for my grandads garden before he passed on, I grow tomatoes and salad in my flat every year. I look very young for my age and I'm tiny, about 5 ft tall so maybe that's it, I don't look experienced or capable maybe?

The guy who runs the site thinks I'm doing a great job, he said so today when he came to say hi to me. While he was there he asked me if there was anyone on the site who was bothering me.....and if I was sure...and if not I should come and see him if there was a problem.....which seemed like a strange thing to come out with because everyone else really is great. The bloke next door to me gave me a spare glass pane to fix my greenhouse with, I gave him a good lock for his shed in return. He's great, he gives me loads of advice but it's more like 'this could be better if you did it this way', wheras any advice from the other guy is more like 'you're doing it wrong, this is how it's done'.

So, um, am I over reacting? I do take it very personally if I feel like I'm being patronised, so maybe I am. Another thing, he never comes anywhere near me or the plot when my bloke is with me. Only when I'm on my own. So, what to do? Much as he's grating on me I wouldn't wanna get him into any trouble, I think he's trying to be helpful, just a bit too pushy with it. Sounds more like he's barking orders at me!
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Re: Unwanted advice, am I over reacting?

Post: # 193437Post snapdragon
Thu Apr 15, 2010 7:30 pm

Nope
you were asked if he's bothering you? should have said yes I think, I reckon either someone has told the boss man that he seems to be troubling you or the boss man has noticed, better fess up than let it get to the stage where you whack him with your spade. :banghead:

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Re: Unwanted advice, am I over reacting?

Post: # 193451Post Silver Ether
Thu Apr 15, 2010 8:16 pm

I agree tell on him .... he sounds a right git ... If you dont get him sorted he is going to spoil your time at your lotty, for all you know he could have been a pain to others and they want to get him sorted proper ..
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Re: Unwanted advice, am I over reacting?

Post: # 193454Post red
Thu Apr 15, 2010 8:41 pm

he sounds very annoying and no you are not over reacting. difficult to know how to handle it.. but you have been given an option. so yes.. go to site manager and say what you said here.

don't let the plonker put you off. and some of my cabbages are out planted and some are not !
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Re: Unwanted advice, am I over reacting?

Post: # 193457Post KathyLauren
Thu Apr 15, 2010 9:23 pm

It sounds like the guy who runs the place has a pretty good idea of what is going on. Other people may have complained about the fellow who is annoying you and he's just waiting to get enough evidence to do something about it. I would let him know that the dude is bothering you.

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Re: Unwanted advice, am I over reacting?

Post: # 193458Post Susie
Thu Apr 15, 2010 9:35 pm

You're not overreacting. Also if the man who runs the site was asking if there was anyone bothering you I bet they've had problems with him before. Don't let him make you second guess yourself. You sound like you're doing great and surely part of the process is you deciding for yourself where you want stuff to be, how you like it etc. He can do what he wants with his own potatoes - if you wanted to fill your allotment with sunflowers or those little windmills and call it an art installation you'd have every right to do it!

I'd be very brisk with him (although not actually rude) and not get into conversation (just say hello nice evening etc and then pointedly no more) for your next visit and I'd expect he'd either calm down or that would make him step it up a notch, in which case I'd go to the site manager and mention it.

You know what'll probably happen, your cabbages will be huge and marvellous and his will be tiny and nibbled by slugs and he'll go into a decline. Be kind when that happens :wink:
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Re: Unwanted advice, am I over reacting?

Post: # 193459Post Bonniegirl
Thu Apr 15, 2010 9:36 pm

Compost him!! :wink: :mrgreen:
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Re: Unwanted advice, am I over reacting?

Post: # 193464Post MKG
Thu Apr 15, 2010 10:26 pm

Yep - he knew exactly what he was asking, especially as he asked if you were sure. Your adviser sounds like a pain in the arse, but maybe he means well but has a strange way of going about it. Unless he becomes more than an annoyance, I wouldn't say a word - just shut him up by growing perfectly good veg where YOU want them to be. On the other hand, being told to f*** off by a five-foot stripling can do wonders for the macho self-image he may have.

But I'd wait just a little longer - it's a possibility that he may turn into a wonderful asset as he shows you how to double-dig properly :lol:

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Re: Unwanted advice, am I over reacting?

Post: # 193474Post Nomada
Fri Apr 16, 2010 2:00 am

Thanks! I thought I was being paranoid for a moment there. I have a bit of trouble being assertive and I've had some anxiety problems over the past year so I've not been too good at standing up for myself. I might just mention it to the site manager, he is very approachable. I don't know for certain if the site manger was talking about that guy specifically but it does make me wonder! I'll see what hapens next time I go down before I do anything. Bonniegirl, that did make me laugh, ta :lol:
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Re: Unwanted advice, am I over reacting?

Post: # 193476Post Bonniegirl
Fri Apr 16, 2010 2:52 am

Everything always looks better if your smiling! :hugish:
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Re: Unwanted advice, am I over reacting?

Post: # 193494Post bonniethomas06
Fri Apr 16, 2010 8:38 am

Er...I am a bit paranoid now 'cos my cabbages are still tiny seedlings in the greenhouse!

I know how you feel - my neighbour on an allotment I once had said 'I knew you weren't a proper gardener when you chopped down the comfrey'!

(he was right...but still! :oops: )

It is for you to make mistakes - that's how we learn. I would mention him to the site manager - sounds like he was fishing for it anyway.

Or just tell him that you have planned to go totally organic. Sounds like that would scare the living daylights out of him!

I spent hours slinking around in my shed to avoid my neighbour...much better to get it out in the open.

Good luck and let us know how you get on?
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Re: Unwanted advice, am I over reacting?

Post: # 193509Post Nomada
Fri Apr 16, 2010 10:54 am

bonniethomas06 wrote:Er...I am a bit paranoid now 'cos my cabbages are still tiny seedlings in the greenhouse!
Noooo! Don't let him get to you too! :lol:
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Re: Unwanted advice, am I over reacting?

Post: # 193511Post red
Fri Apr 16, 2010 10:58 am

it occurs to me that the annoying man might have some sort of problem - his behaviour doesn't sound 'normal' anyhow. so perhaps the site manager knows more and needs you to tell him theres a problem so he can help the other person understand he has overstepped the line
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Re: Unwanted advice, am I over reacting?

Post: # 193512Post Amateur
Fri Apr 16, 2010 10:58 am

He he.. this made me smile. I think there's one at every allotment site and if you're really unlucky it the Head of the commitee :iconbiggrin:

I would give him the benefit of the doubt for a bit longer and then let the guy know he's being a pain...

I have a similar problem on a plot that I help run and it's the self importance that gets under my skin.. :angryfire:

Have you ever seen the film Happy go lucky? I always feel like doing the driving instructor bit... " You not have many friends when you were younger... ?" etc etc.. That will make no sense if you haven't seen the film but if you haven't then watch it and it will make you smile!

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Re: Unwanted advice, am I over reacting?

Post: # 193535Post Susie
Fri Apr 16, 2010 4:49 pm

Nomada wrote:Thanks! I thought I was being paranoid for a moment there. I have a bit of trouble being assertive and I've had some anxiety problems over the past year so I've not been too good at standing up for myself.
I don't know if this helps or makes it worse, but whenever people have done this to me it's invariably because they feel threatened/ inadequate*, not because you look as if you don't know what you're doing. He might have more of his self-esteem resting on the success of his allotment than is strictly healthy, and anyone new who looks competent is a threat because they could end up being better than him. That's probably why he's telling you where to put your potatoes because when they come up wonderful he can think, oh they're only any good because I helped her, and then he won't have to confront his own self-image issues. Sorry for the amateur psychology!

* (I don't go round threatening people as a rule, honest :lol: )
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