Caught between a rock and hard place!

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Caught between a rock and hard place!

Postby happyhippy » Thu Dec 06, 2012 7:43 pm

Hi all,
I havent been posting for a while,as I have had some heavy duty thinking to do.Did anyone watch the show "The Audience"?The jist of the show was someone had a life changing or difficult decision to make and could'nt decide what to do.I think 50 (or was it 30?) complete strangers followed this person around,and after a few days,helped this person make a decision.It seemed to work so...thought I could try it here,except you can't follow me around!I would appreciate some feedback though.
Ok abit of background info.I moved to Australia from the UK aged 9(I'm now 51)in 1970 with my parents and siblings.I stayed in Australia for 30 odd years,married an aussie guy and had my kids there.When my marriage failed,my kids were then aged 11yrs and 9yrs.The girls and I discussed our options and after a long time,decided to move to the UK to begin a new life.So we moved here in 1998.I met my now OH(he's a brit)a while later,and he became my kids stepfather(he's a good one too!)The girls aussie Dad has pretty much ignored our girls,which still upsets us to this day.Now my girls are 25 and 23.Both have left home and neither live near us.The youngest left home 4 years ago,and since then,I've become quite lonely and feel isolated.My oldest daughter has two kids and we see them maybe 3 times per year (they live 400 miles away).My OH and I both work full time and we rent a property.
The problem I have is I want to return to Australia to live out the rest of my days.I returned for a holiday late last year,and I felt really happy and myself again.My Mum (who lives in Oz)is 81 and not in the best of health,and I miss her alot.I don't have an aussie passport,I have a Residents Return Visa which entitles me to live in Australia indefinately.Trouble is I recently spoke to Oz immigration and they have told me this visa has to be renewed every 5 years(I've already renewed it twice)they more than likely won't renew it next time unless I have compelling reasons!!!! My daughters on the other hand are aussies and have the passports so they are not on any restrictions.My fear is,is that if I don't return to Oz to live,and my RRV runs out(and I'm not getting any younger either!!!)what if one or both daughters decide at some time in the future they don't want to stay in the UK?What if my visa has expired and I can't return to Oz to live?I will then be here alone!!! My gut feeling is that I should move back to Oz while I am young enough to find work and my visa is current,before my options run out,but everytime I go online to look at flights I have a major guilt trip about leaving the girls.I could move to Oz and both girls might stay here for the rest of their lives.If I return to Oz and stay there for 4 years,I will be entitled to an Oz passport,which might make me feel better.I just don't want to be left with no options.I know if I go,I will miss my daughters and grandchildren.Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.Thankyou for reading!xx
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Re: Caught between a rock and hard place!

Postby oldjerry » Thu Dec 06, 2012 8:16 pm

I'm the last person to accept advice from,I' ve screwed up so many times,I've lost count,but it seems to me that the only definite you have is that your Mum ain't getting any younger.Who knows what the future might bring,you could always come back again.Best Wishes.
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Re: Caught between a rock and hard place!

Postby The Riff-Raff Element » Thu Dec 06, 2012 8:35 pm

oldjerry wrote:I'm the last person to accept advice from,I' ve screwed up so many times,I've lost count,but it seems to me that the only definite you have is that your Mum ain't getting any younger.Who knows what the future might bring,you could always come back again.Best Wishes.


Funny - I always prefer advice from people who've made loads of mistakes on the basis that, even though they may have screwed up a lot, they're still around to explain.

Four years doesn't sound a lot to get your status fixed, and as you've said, your mum isn't in great health. How much less would you see your girls if you did move? There are flights and there is Skype, and this way you'd gain flexibility. What does the OH think?
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Re: Caught between a rock and hard place!

Postby demi » Thu Dec 06, 2012 9:38 pm

Yes i agree. I've left all my family in the UK and emigrated with my husband and kids. We speak on skype and facebook almost daily with my mum and regularly with my dad and my aunt's and cousins who im close too, men arn't very good at keeping in touch lol. My family come visit us and we will go back there at some point to visit too, especially my grandparents who are all in their 80's now and can't travel to see us.
I feel bad for taking the kids away from my family who don't get to see them often, but we're happier with our life here rather than there.

I say go for it! If you get an Australian passport then you can go back and forward whenever you like and everyone should be happy. :)
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Re: Caught between a rock and hard place!

Postby Zech » Thu Dec 06, 2012 10:26 pm

You're torn between your mum and your daughters. Your daughters are young and free to live in either country (money etc. permitting) while your mum is old and (presumably) unlikely to come back to the UK. Add to this the fact that you would have the option to change your mind after four years (or earlier if you really felt you'd made a mistake) and it looks like a no-brainer.

Just one thing - you haven't said what your OH thinks about this. I'd have thought his feelings would be pretty important.
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Re: Caught between a rock and hard place!

Postby MKG » Fri Dec 07, 2012 8:35 am

Another vote for Oz here - as long as OH really does agree. There is absolutely no point in sticking around where you're not happy - it rubs off on everyone else. Your daughters would agree with that, I'm sure.

Book your tickets.

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Re: Caught between a rock and hard place!

Postby Crickleymal » Fri Dec 07, 2012 8:48 am

Zech wrote:Just one thing - you haven't said what your OH thinks about this. I'd have thought his feelings would be pretty important.


I wondered about that too. That would be my most important criterion. Your daughters can make their own decision on where to live and how often to visit. Your mother obviously cannot. However the person you share your life with is with you now and presumably will want to be until the day you die.
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Re: Caught between a rock and hard place!

Postby boboff » Fri Dec 07, 2012 10:18 am

Malc sums up what I feel.

To make any more comments about this might be a bit rude, but in my marraige I would ask my wife, she would say we should go to Oz, as it would make me happy, and we would go.

Big Decision mind.

Skype is good.

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Re: Caught between a rock and hard place!

Postby safronsue » Fri Dec 07, 2012 11:54 am

do what YOU want. doing stuff for other people's happiness doesn't work out in anyone's interest long term
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Re: Caught between a rock and hard place!

Postby oldjerry » Fri Dec 07, 2012 2:03 pm

Well yes,and thinking about it,that has include your partner as well.If one of an 'in love' couple desperately wants to do something ,then their partner is going to go with it aren't they?(cos they love them and want them to be happy) 'specially when the kids are grown up and independent.[ presuming you don't live with a selfish git,whom you wouldn't love anyway]
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Re: Caught between a rock and hard place!

Postby happyhippy » Sat Dec 08, 2012 9:59 am

Sorry for the delay in replying,our computer was down! :( Thankyou all for the replies so far.Seems like the majority think we should go!A few of you asked about my OH.This potential move is something we've spoken about for a few years,so yes he is willing and able.He already has his spousal visa so no hassles there at all.I just don't know how to manage the guilt trips.I guess its fear of the unknown how the girls would react.I've already had a near fall out with the youngest one at the beginning of this year.She's really settled here,has a great job,partner etc.I have this huge urge right now to up sticks and move back to help look after my Mum.She has on going health problems and I really don't see her lasting that much longer tbh.As a parent,do you sacrifice your own happiness for theirs?I know I did alot of that when the girls were younger,we all do right?But what about when they have grown up?Do we keep doing it?Personally I don't believe its good to do that.I would'nt want my kids to stay here if they were unhappy just to keep me happy.Thankyou for taking the time to reply,I really appreciate your thoughts/feelings.If any of you have anything further you'd like to add then please do! :iconbiggrin: xx
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Re: Caught between a rock and hard place!

Postby Uller » Sat Dec 08, 2012 10:32 am

This is probably a bit blunt, but you say that you don't think your mum will be around for much longer anyway. So a move to Oz does not have to be a permanent commitment if you don't want it to be. Once you no longer have to think about your mum, you can re-evaluate, decide if you have settled as well as you hope you will etc. As with so many things, it comes down to whether you can afford to change your mind.

If there are likely to be grandchildren in the future, that might also cause a rethink. I don't have/want children of my own, but the birth of my nephew 7 years ago is what brought me back from Oz after 8 years there. If you have the opportunity to apply for citizenship, do - I only got mine a couple of months before leaving Oz, but my partner is Australian and, as we didn't know where we wanted to settle long-term (and still don't!), I didn't want to risk not getting a visa renewal and therefore rule out Oz for me.
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Re: Caught between a rock and hard place!

Postby happyhippy » Sat Dec 08, 2012 6:22 pm

Thanks Uller for sharing your thoughts.I think we have to go.I just can't live with the fact that if I don't,I won't have a choice due to the restrictions of a RRV.Atleast if we do go,we can pan it out for the 4 years to get the aussie citizenship,and then decide from there I guess?I'm deffo not into the "One country is better than the other"camp.Having lived in both,I can honestly say there's not alot of diff when you look at the whole picture.xx
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Re: Caught between a rock and hard place!

Postby Crickleymal » Sun Dec 09, 2012 9:25 pm

I wish you'd said what your OH's position was at the beginning. Now I understand I say go. You're daughters can visit or you can come back and visit and there are things like Skype as someone else said.
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Re: Caught between a rock and hard place!

Postby happyhippy » Mon Dec 10, 2012 8:41 pm

Sorry Crickleymal,the reason I failed to mention the OH is because he was'nt an issue in the problem.If he had of been I deffo would of factored him into my post.
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