Should you pay for someone else's lifestyle choice?

[happyhippy]

Hi all,I'm just wondering what your thoughts are on this subject!My daughter is with her partner and they have 2 kids with another on the way,due soonish.Neither of them work,daughter stays at home with kids,partner is a uni student.He was supposed to finish uni last year,has'nt worked at all for 5 years and is now doing his masters,which means another year with no pay (apart from uni grant).My OH and I both work fulltime,and are just working class folk.I've already brought my daughter a pram etc for her first baby,cot for the second,and now have been sent a wish list for items needed for 3rd baby.Now they are about to move into a council house and have asked me to buy them a washing machine and fridge freezer. I have another daughter who finished uni last year,and I spent a small fortune buying her her books,supermarket grocery card money and so on.My parents never helped me one bit and you know what?It did me the world of good.It taught me that if I want something,then I am responsible for providing it myself.Which is something I have always done.Uni daughter is totally independant now thank god but its the other one that is getting on my wick atm.They chose to have 3 kids.He chose to go to uni and not work at all?Why am I responsible for their lifestyle choices?If it was just those two and no kids,I'd tell them where to get off(lol)but I worry about my grandkids and as my daughter is pregnant,I don't want to cause her any further stress so feel kind of obligated to buy them a washing machine and fridge freezer!!!!I don't know!Am I being mean by not wanting to buy these things?I was supposed to be heading back to Australia to live after last Xmas but have even postponed that just so we can see the baby thats due.So what do you think?

[niknik]

I can totally sympathize to make you feel better.

My eldest is exactly the same ..gimme, gimme , gimme------- "Its only xxxx, that´s cheap, real bargain, etc etc, etc............"

Luckily, he´s single, and no kids ( which has been more luck than anything else!! )

At the end of the day, we are ALL paying for others´ lifestyle choices, through taxes,higher prices etc , but harder when they are your own kids/grankids.

Can you find something cheap 2ndhand, or freecycle or similar? and explain that after that, well that´s IT, and ONLY spend money on grankids thereafter?

Ironically, if they didnt keep asking, you´d possibly want to help them more, but many cant see that.

all i can say is good luck and more

[GeorgeSalt]

I think it's time to introduce the couple to Freecycle/Freegle and Cheapcycle.. ..

[diggernotdreamer]

I think it's time to introduce the couple to Freecycle/Freegle and Cheapcycle.. ..

I agree, when most of us were young and starting out, how many of us had to make do with hand me down stuff. You can put out an ask on Freecycle and you often get what you want, people often get rid of stuff when they upgrade and it is not worth the bother of selling it. My daughter is a 22 year old single mum and she has lots of second hand stuff, I bought her a tumble drier when she lived in a flat, not because she asked for it but, because she was struggling to get her washing dry and I wanted to buy it for her. When I visited last I noticed her hand me down fridge freezer was not looking very well, so I did buy her a nice new one, again she did not ask me for anything I wanted to give it to her, I think that is the difference between wanting to get something they really need and just being asked to cough up for stuff because they want it. How can you ever value possessions properly if you dont have to work to earn them. I think you are being taken for granted and that is not fair.

[thethriftysquirrels]

My parents never helped me one bit and you know what?It did me the world of good.It taught me that if I want something,then I am responsible for providing it myself.

This is an argument I have with some of my family members from time to time. My husband and I never had any help while both our brothers had all of the help they could want. Brians brother inherited a house and all savings from their mother while he got nothing, my brother bought the family council house with my parents big discount and a year later they had to move out and pay rent (to another brother) while my brother and his girlfriend took over and started a family.

Both of our brothers are still up to their eyes in debt with huge mortgages and credit card debts because they never learnt that you can't just have what you want when you want it and expect someone else to pick up the bill. We on the other hand have bought and paid for our home, have never been in debt and are happy with our lot! We really believe in saving up for things we want. I think our approach to money and standing on our own two feet has been the making of us so much so that I have made it clear that I will be leaving everything we have to animal charities...my sister in law has had a good moan about that as she was expecting me to leave everything to her children but I really think that easy money doesn't help in the long run.

Just my take on it but then I don't have any children of my own so that makes it much easier for me

[demi]

Maybe you can buy what they need on condition they pay you back with weekly/monthly installments. Or get something off freecycle like suggested above.

[happyhippy]

Thanks all for the replies.Yes I think you have made some valid points tbh!If they had'nt of asked,I might of offered!Last time I was home visiting in Australia I got an email from said daughter,sounded really distressed.Apparently the phone company they are with had stuffed up their phone bill and were £100 short,and if I did'n t help them,they were going to be taken to court! Not only did it p*** me off because I was supposed to be on holiday relaxing,but also why should I pay for someone else's mistake???Hmm I really think I need to toughen up.I had already made up my mind not to help youngest daughter anymore (she earns more than us now!!!)so its time to cut strings with oldest and start saying no.Yes I had already mentioned Freecycle etc but apparently down their way (Cornwall)people don't often give things away.Oh and I are in the prime of our lives now.We were going to treat ourselves to a little getaway as we're on 2 weeks holiday but now,can't afford to really.

[baldybloke]

Another option would be to say that if they come up with a percentage of the money you will make up the difference. This means you are not actually saying no, but you are enpowering them to take some responsibility.

[happyhippy]

Thanks for the replies so far!Well I had a look online this arvo and found a white washing machine and fridge freezer.It came in cheaper than expected,about £359 for both,so I rang daughter!I was then told they did'nt want white they wanted silver! I went back online to discover silver on both items is more expensive.So I rang daughter back and said I was prepared to spend £359 but they had to pay the extra if they insisted on silver!She actually agreed so thats where we're at atm.I had a talk to OH afterwards and we've both decided that its the last time we are helping them out.What really angers me is the partner.He quit his job 5 years ago (had a spat with the boss)and has'nt worked since.

[happyhippy]

You're right SG!Just feel really flat today actually.Had my parents offered to buy me these things,I'd definately not be specifying what colour I wanted!Beggars can't be choosers right?It'll be interesting to see what happens when her partner "eventually"finishes uni!!!Welcome to the real world!I expect he'll find some lame excuse why he can't find a job.He's doing a course in uni and has actually a fat chance of obtaining employment in that field in Cornwall!

[GeorgeSalt]

Thanks for the replies so far!Well I had a look online this arvo and found a white washing machine and fridge freezer.It came in cheaper than expected,about £359 for both,so I rang daughter!I was then told they did'nt want white they wanted silver!

I think you missed the opportunity to "throw a wobbly". You're going to have to get emotional if you want it to stop.

[diggernotdreamer]

Yes, throw a big feckin wobbly and then use the money to take yourselves off for a well deserved mini break holiday with the money

[Pumpkin&Piglet]

Everyone has put some great points and you seem to be well on your way to deciding what you want to do (although I think you already knew what you wanted at the beginning but needed some encouragement) and so that is the only reason I make this point.

I don't know your situation and you've given a little information but no-one can ever know the full story from a forum! The point that grabbed me was when you said you'd already decided not to help your younger daughter out financially anymore and you needed to toughen up on your eldest.

We're on the receiving end of some very biased parents and it hurts. Our situation is different because we did not have this gimme gimme gimme attitude and the reasons for money given were different etc

For us, we didn't care what financial help we had but it was the intention of it and the love and acceptance that came with it.

Does your younger daughter know how you feel? How does she view all the help you've given your eldest? It's not my business and for all I know you could have balanced it out or already thought about all this but I've been in the situation where despite being happy to work for what I would like and not needing the money it hurts when one sibling seems to be getting a lot more than the other.

That could be interpreted as selfish, immature or my own problem and possibly rightly so, but it still hurts.

[happyhippy]

Yes I am all for fairness.I keep mental "tabs"on each child financially.It has to fair because for me,there is no other option,so I do understand where you are coming from,and yes it would be hurtful to be in a situation where your parents are spending up big on one and not the other.Yes youngest knows she has to manage herself financially now and as I said before,she earns way over what we earn.WHat really p******* us off with eldest is they have had their names down for a council house for 3 years.Just before Xmas her partner decided to take a weekend away to visit his rellies (Not in the UK),plus apparently had a "field"trip to Praque in November last year.I've also just found out he has brought himself a new laptop! Then daughter rings me pleading poverty,and crying because they have no money for appliances.So can you see now Piglet why I am angry and have made the decision not to help them anymore financially?We work bloody hard for our money,her partner has been away twice in the last 6 mths,and we now have to stay home for 2 weeks?????I guess I just wanted to ask people on the forum their thoughts if they thought I was being overly mean with my money,but its plain for me to see now I'm not being mean,I'm being stupid! I'm just not prepared to do it anymore.My idea of struggling does'nt involve 2 oversea's trips and a new laptop!!!!!

[GeorgeSalt]

I think you're probably being more honest with us than you are with your daughter. You need to fix this.