Just for a laugh.

[oldfella]

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/attachme ... 1371368074

[doofaloofa]

What do you call aboomerang that wont come back?

[diggernotdreamer]

A stick ....... I think there is a theme here

[doofaloofa]

What's brown and sticky and wont come back?

[diggernotdreamer]

I know I'm going to regret this ................. ok what is What's brown and sticky and wont come back?

[oldfella]

Just stopped laughing

[doofaloofa]

I know I'm going to regret this ................. ok what is What's brown and sticky and wont come back?

I don't know

I thought you'd know

[Crickleymal]

What's brown and comes out of Cowes




The Isle of Wight Ferry

(Works better if you say it rather than read it)

[diggernotdreamer]

Please start laughing again OF , as we have gone a bit old skool jokes, here are some of Frank Carson's favourites

My father fought in World War I single-handedly destroyed the Germans' lines of communication. He ate their pigeon.

* Paddy calls a wrong number at 3am. "Is that O'Malley's Bar?" he asks. "No it's not, this is a private residence." "Oh, I must have the wrong number. Sorry to have troubled you," says Paddy. "Ah it's no trouble," says the stranger. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

* A fella walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me a wasp.” The shopkeeper replies: “We don’t sell wasps.” He says: “There’s one in the window.”

* Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once. He drank it.

* A man goes into Boots and says: “Have you got I am a dirty spammer, please let one of the moderators know about this post?” “Do you have a prescription?” asks the chemist. “No,” he replies, “But I’ve got a photograph of the wife...”

* A fella walked into hospital and the doctor said: “You’ve got three minutes to live.” The man said: “Can you do something for me?” “Yes,” he said. “I’ll boil you an egg.”

* I don't think my wife likes me very much. When I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

* A fella said to the doctor: “What’s the good news?” “You’ve got 24 hours to live.” He says: “What’s the bad news?” And the doc says: “We should have told you yesterday.”

* I rang British Telecom. I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said: "Not you again.”

* My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

* My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

* An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband demanded to know who the other man was.

* Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine


It was the way he told em

[sleepyowl]

what's an hospice?

about a gallon

[trinder]

An american man walked intoa kiltmakers shop in scotland and asked to have a kilt made in his family Tartan. Yes sir says the assistant what is your family name "Dunlop" replied the American. OH fumbled the confused assistant, I'll just get the owner.
(Owner comes out conversation repeated)
Without hesitation the owner replies "Yes sir I 'll get my assistant to take your measurements whilst I go and get a bolt of the Tartan". He returns shows it too the American who approves.

Later ... a satisfied American walks out of the shop, the assistant turns to the owner and says " that was amazing boss, but why did you choose that one... Easy says the boss "they've been Mackintyres for years"

I'll get my coat

[oldjerry]

OK,OF,even if you didn't like the 'ting thing',here's another go...

Two Goldfish in a tank,one says to the other:
'How the hell d'ya drive this thing?'

Went for a blood test the other day....it was all in Vein...

It's Caribbean Hair Day at work tomorrow,....I'm dreading it.

Two peanuts went into a pub,sadly,one was a salted.

My mate's in a band called The 999 Megabytes.........they haven't done a gig yet.


Finally,
We decided not to holiday in Blackpool this year after what happened last time....
It was so disappointing ,a couple were having an almighty domestic in front of scores of kids,who didn't seem to have a care in the world,suddenly the woman smacked the bloke across the head .and it all kicked off.There was a massive brawl and someone called the police.then this poor copper turned up ,the bloke knicked his truncheon and used it to batter the copper AND his missus!!

Then this crocodile snuck up and stole the sausages....

[diggernotdreamer]

OJ FYI I loved the ting thing , but we haven't got the like button, cos I liked the horse piss joke too and would have liked to press the like button

[oldfella]

Couple for you OJ0

- One day a police panda car pulled up to Granny's home and Grampy got out. The constable explained that this elderly gentlemen had said he was lost in the Victoria park.
'Why, Ivor, 'said Granny, 'You've been going there for over 30 years! How on earth could you say you had got lost?'
Leaning close to Granny so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, 'Wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home.'.

- There was a bit of confusion in the off-licence this morning.* When I was ready to pay for my whisky, the check-out assistant said to me, 'Strip down facing me.'Making a mental note to complain to my Member of Parliament about excessive security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my debit card.


I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

[Maykal]

Marketing manager of a nail manufacturer is called in to show his latest advert to the boss. He runs the video. Camera pans across some grass, shows the bottom of a wooden post, slowly follows the post up - a pair of bare feet, legs, loin cloth, then pans out slowly to show a long-haired man on a cross, crown of thorns, and so on. Above the cross there's the slogan "Use Arkwright's Nails!"

"By 'eck George, we can't show Christ on a cross on TV. We'll have the PC police on our backs in no time, you dumb clot. Go and shoot something else, now!" was the CEO's reaction.

A week later and George is back in the boardroom to show them his new video. He presses play, there is a shot of some grass, the camera pans across the grass to the base of a wooden post, starts panning up the post...

"Oh crickey, not again..."

...and up and up until the post is revealed to be empty, completely devoid of saviours. The camera pans urgently left, then right, then zooms in on a distant hill where a semi-naked man is legging it along the brow of the hill, hair flowing behind him, being chased by two burly out-of-breath Roman centurions. A slogan reveals itself in the clouds above them...

"They Should've Used Arkwright's Nails!"

(Crap joke, but it's the only one I know )