Worried about daughter/grandkids!

[happyhippy]

Hi All,
I need an offload.I'm feeling pretty angry/sad atm.Ok abit of background info.Eldest daughter (31)has a partner,and they have 4 children,aged 3mths-11yrs of age.They live 3.5hrs drive from us,so we don't see eachother often.We've just returned from spending 3 days with them.My daughter has been with this man for 12 yrs.In all that time,he has only worked for 6 mths.My daughter was working when they met,but quit when she discovered she was pregnant with their first child.They rely on social security payments.No one else in my entire family has ever relied on SS payments.We all work hard.
I can't be too specific,but firstly I feel my daughter should of atleast been working herself part time,but she too has'nt worked at all in the 12 yrs of being with this man.
Over the years,we have helped them.Usually under duress because there is no physical reason why either of them can't work.The help has included sending them supermarket vouchers,buying the kids beds,a new washing machine,clothing for the kids etc.Obviously this does'nt happen all the time,but it has happened.
My daughter told us over the weekend that the eldest child needs a school uniform as they are starting secondary school.The uniforms cost £80 each and the school has requested that each child needs atleast 2.I have spoken to my husband,and we have agreed NOT to fund these uniforms.I feel very sad for my grandchildren because they don't get any special treats,holidays,and also have the stigma of telling other children neither of their parents work.
I feel particularly angry with my daughters partner.He did 6 yrs of uni(When they first got together)did'nt work at all in that time,finished uni,had a year doing nothing,got a job(A good one too)but quit after 6 mths due to apparent corruption issues(Or was it lazy issues?)and has been unemployed ever since.He does the occasional course,probably to keep social security off his case.I'm not even sure why SS are still paying for him because surely,he would of obtained a job by now if he was genuinely looking?
Anyway my daughters health is beginning to fail.Diabetes,hair falling out...what next?I'm worried.

[diggernotdreamer]

It's quite tricky really. They are grown ups and you have helped them over the years. They obviously think you are going to bail them out with the uniforms or they wouldn't have mentioned the costs of them. Do you have your grandchildren to stay with you over the school holidays? How do they seem as a couple when you were with them? I am not sure you can stay on DSS unless something is really wrong, you have to show willing that you are looking for jobs or maybe he is signed off as long term sick.

[happyhippy]

Hi DND,yes I thought the uniform mention was a hint for us to pay.We don't have our grandchildren over to stay during holidays as they live 3.5 hrs away,and as the parents only have a small car(Which is too small for them all anyway now with 4 kids)they havent visited us for 2 yrs.No spare money for petrol either.I think as a couple they seem ok.I think my daughter really is just tolerating him.She told me last year,that if her partner did'nt have a job by 2 mths after the baby was born(Its now been 3 mths)she would ask him to leave.This has'nt happened....yet.I care about my daughter and grandchildren alot,and don't like to see them suffering.My main concern atm is my daughters health which is slowly deteriorating.

[Green Aura]

It's a nightmare. The decision not to bail them out this time won't stop you worrying about the grandkids and your daughter.
Do his parents chip in too? Or is the help all one-sided.

The school may have some sort of scheme for helping with the uniform - they can't be the only family in this situation. Your daughter's health issues are of more concern. Can the Health Visitor offer any advice? She should still have access to one if the baby is only 3 months old, I think.

They obviously need some sort of help but financial bail outs won't alter their situation.

[happyhippy]

Hi GA,his father just passed away(They were'nt close,he didnt attend the funeral)and his Mother,who lives even further away than us,does'nt buy the grandchildren any Xmas or birthday presents,but treats them (To a hot choc in a cafe) when she visits.I will check with school help re the uniforms,and the health visitor,thanks.I'm abit out of the loop with those things GA,but thats helpful.x

[diggernotdreamer]

I wonder if it might be worth you inviting your daughter and her children for a mini break to your place for a few days, saying it would be nice to be able to give her a little break from everything and then maybe have a frank conversation with her about what is going on and voice your concerns about her health. Maybe if the partner wasn't around she might talk to you more freely

[Weedo]

As DND said, they are adults and should be able to make up their own minds. However SS does become a bit of a habit and a downward spiral that gets harder and harder to climb out of. We do suppliment the grandkids to a degree through clothes, books, trips to museums, parks etc. just as our parents helped us out when we were single income young parents. I am not advocating you becoming an income stream for your daughter but, for me, the grandkids health and wellbeing comes first.

[happyhippy]

I wonder if it might be worth you inviting your daughter and her children for a mini break to your place for a few days, saying it would be nice to be able to give her a little break from everything and then maybe have a frank conversation with her about what is going on and voice your concerns about her health. Maybe if the partner wasn't around she might talk to you more freely

Unfortunately they have no money to visit(By train or for petrol),and their car is too small now that they have 4 children.My husband and I work long hours,both full time,and we are becoming a little resentful at helping them financially,when its apparent they are doing nothing to help themselves.I brought them a pram just after Xmas (new baby born in Feb).We've worked all our lives since leaving school,and as middle aged parents,I think its time we spent some money on ourselves.I made a pact with myself that the pram was the last time I was helping financially.

[diggernotdreamer]

I think that is the only thing you can do. They are adults and have four children so they should provide for the children themselves, not expect hand outs all the time. It is a really difficult situation. I have no contact anymore with my daughter and her 3 children as they were making me ill, never contacting me, expecting money for this and that, changing phone numbers and not telling me so when I rang the number was unobtainable.

[happyhippy]

Really sorry to hear that Digger.I've been in a similar situation with this particular daughter.Years ago,when their first child was 1,they were living in Luton,which is still quite a long way from where we live.Due to our working commitments,we hardly saw them.Daughter rang one day to ask if we could babysit their child for a long weekend as they wanted to go away by themselves.As we work full time,I was mindful that I'd have to take 3 days annual leave to do it,as I work odd shifts.Before I could even say yes or no,daughter rang again to ask if we could babysit for a whole week rather than the weekend.We declined.They then wrote us off for 2 years.In that time they had baby number 2,which we did'nt see in a long time.So I feel for you.(Hugs)