Oh I am so insulted, you are so rude!!!

[fenwoman]

You are mean and nasty and unfriendly.
Some of the things I have heard from people I have disagreed with. I am interested to know if I am the only one who gets exasperated by people (mainly younger people it seems) whi cry insult and hurt just because someone disagrees with them.

An example.

A few weeks ago, I was busy answering some important emails. It was about midday and I had just finished 3 hours of animal chores and was sitting with my first cup of coffee and bite to eat of the day answering some emails before starting on the indoor chores.
As I sat here, my dogs started kicking up outside, indicating that a vehicle had drawn up outside my house. I looked out of the window and saw a big new 4X4 outside, out of which got 2 women.
I leaned out of the window thinking they were lost or something and asked if I could help them. One of them replied that she had come to look at my chickens. I was puzzled. Why would someone want to look at my chickens. I asked her this and she said that she had just lost her 3rd lot of chickens to a fox and heard that I kept chickens so thought she would pop along to have a look at mine and decide what to buy. I must admit, this high handed response from her did rather annoy me.
I said that I never had people just turn up. I was very busy and expected people to at least phone me to ask what I had available. She replied that she was a very busy woman and couldn't always make appointments. (steam starting to come out of my ears now).
I replied that I too was busy and I would not in any case sell any of my birds to someone who had so little regard for her animals that she was happy to keep letting a fox take them and simply buying more without making an effort to fox proof their accommodation. With this I closed the window and went back to emailing. As I shut the window I heard the woman say to her friend "Well.......how rude she is".
Who was ruder? Her coming on spec' telling me that she is busier than I and her time far more important and expecting me to drop everything, show her around and be greatful if she lowers herself to buy some of my birds to be fox food? I was perfectly polite, didn't swear or raise my voice, I simply stated that I was not prepared to sell her any of my birds on welfare grounds. Heck mine are all raised indoors, handled and treated as pets. They are well bred show quality birds. I produce small numbers and care where they go after all. Was she rude to turn up and expect me to drop everything and run to her bidding or was I rude to say that I wasn't going to?
I am a bit pig headed when it comes to my animals and if I don't want to sell to someone then I won't. They are my animals after all and I take as much care placing my chickens as I do my puppies.

Or at the produce auction I got are lots of farmers. I get one with most of them.(only 2 I dislike but one is a convicted wife beater and the other so horrible using really bad swear words in front of ladies and children and using sexual innuendo that nobody else likes them either).
Anyway, I am known for being a bit of a softie with animals and disliking field sports. Over in the cafe before the auction starts, we all usually gather for a sausage sarnie and a cuppa and many heated debates ensure. I will state my view, somene else states theres. We will never disagree but do we fall out over it? Not a chance. Do I feel insulted if they call me a softie? Nope cos I am. Are they insulted because I don't agree that shooting pheasants which are nearly as tame as my chickens is not a sport, I doubt it very much.
It seems to be a fairly recent trend online. Only about 3 or 4 years where opposing opionions are called insults and the opposer rude and nasty for having the opposing opinion. I admit to finding it hard as I speak here as I do in real life. In real life I have never had anyone call me rude or nasty simply because I didn't agree with them or said so in plain words. I must admit that being 52 years old the people I know are roughly the same age so is this an age related trend? Are young people taught from an early age that only their opinion counts and that they are the most important people in the universe that everyone else should pander to them? It certainly seems that way to me sometimes.

[eccentric_emma]

Online, I think some things can be misinterpreted, however a lot of people find it easier to insult people either for fun, or because they dont seem to think that the person they are insulting is real as they cant see them. personally i can get very upset by being insulted on the internet, as i would in real life.

as for the age related arguement - perhaps you may be right. although i am 23 and i really try to see other peoples point of view, and avoid attacking them personally - i dont like it when it happens to me so i wont do it myself! however, i work in a shop and my worst, rudest customers - the people i really dread serving are the under 16's, right down to about 8 years old, they can be really rude, threatening and have this downright arrogance about them.

i cant think why some people can be so horrible for no reason other than they 'feel like it'

[Super.Niki]

I feel, being only 19, I have to stick up for the younger clan (an opposing opinion!!) I do think it's "certian" types of people who can be rude and I'm sure there's nasty people in every age rage.

For example I work(ed) at the airport in Wetherspoon, and you see lots of different groups of people coming in... I have to admit when I'm working on the floor (cleaning tables, etc.) it's usually the "high-flying" business WOMEN that are the worst by either spreading rubbish EVERYWHERE or generally being really rude to staff which is not something you'd necessarily associate these girls with!
When I'm working on the bar it'll mainly be the "I've made lots of money" blokes that are the worst (nearly ALL of them talk on their phone and seem to see me as an afterthought standing there asking what they'd like). Also it seems the middle aged people at the worst too, contrary to popular belief, the groups of lads and lasses that are heading off somewhere for parties (hen dos, stag nights, party holidays and the like) are actually generally polite and friendly... but then again I'm reminded of that my dad said to me "it seems 95% of people leave their brains outside the doors of an airport, and their manners aren't far behind" so maybe it's just an airport thing?

[Thomzo]

Oh well, another opposing view here - sorry guys.

Some of the rudest people I have experienced have been the over 60's. They almost seem to think that they have the right to say and do whatever they want and, if you are younger, you just have to put up with it.

I do think though that some comments can seem overly rude when typed. You can't see the writer's body language or hear the inflection in their voice. This is why someone can take exception to something on the internet or in e-mail when they wouldn't if said to their face.

Perhaps if any of us find that someone is taking offence to the way we say things on a regular basis then we need to think about the way we type.

I think that everyone on the forum is great, generally able to have a discussion without it degrading into an arguement and respectful of the views of others.

Zoe

[mrsflibble]

I'm with thomzo on this, I'm 24 and always try to help out the elderly when I can on public transport, but the utter disregard which they give myself and daughter sometimes makes me want to slap them. That and they expect that no matter how rude they are to me I will bow down and be nice to them just because they are oldre than I am. I do not appreciate having a "sholley" rammed into my leg because I am sitting in the designated buggy section, which the bus driver asked the "sholley" owner to move out of as my daughter was sleeping and I therefore couldn't put the buggy down. that is one of many bad experience i have of old poeple and busses. comes of living in a man made village where half of the place is sheltered retirement accomodation. Obviously that woman didnt take kindly to me using the space. Had she been the very nice, very polite elderly lady in a wheelchair who lives near the shops, I would have gently woken my baby, got the wheelchair lady to hold her like I normally do and put the blasted thing down whilst having the conversation "oh in my day we didnt have folding ones, isn't that natty" for the millionth time; andswering like I've only heard it the once from her.... as it is the woman in question had nothing wrong with her.

Online there is the problem that anything can be miscontrued. I was fired from a moderator position on another website back in february for an innocuous comment about some song lyrics. one person found it offensive and complained - despite knowing me and knowing full well that I don't think the way she had assumed - the customer service department of that corporate arselicking site got scared that she complainant would sue or something to that effect, and that was that.

[Annpan]

The rudest people whom I have ever come across were 40 - 60 year old middle class women... I also have worked in a shop and they are the most selfish and narrow minded people, I am stereotyping of course.

I come from a big family one way I have managed to survive is to be diplomatic, to a point, and I do try to see another persons side of the story. But I get tired of it on the internet where you can find yourself pussyfooting around the subject so as not to offend. I have offended people on this site, but in my mind, they took the subject matter all to seriously and were not open to discussion (not sure why they take part in a discussion forum, but there we go)

Another thing which is evident on the internet are those who choose to continue the arguement, not content on letting it lie, most of the time it is better for everyone to agree to disagree.

As for your initial story Fenwoman, if I had been on either side of the discussion I would have seen the other person as rude. As they say in teambuilding workshops (in a very patronising manner) Lets see if we can think of a way to resolve this situation ammicably

[fenwoman]

Perhaps if any of us find that someone is taking offence to the way we say things on a regular basis then we need to think about the way we type. Zoe

This is the bit I find hard. What I hear is that if someone is over sensitive or misconstrues something I have said, then I have to change how I talk to conform to their way of thinking. As long as I haven't set out to be downright rude or obnoxious and utter personal slurs and insults, why should I have to consider how I am to construct a sentence in order for it not to upset anyone? And would it even be possible? I for instance am very hard to upset or offend. I take nothing online personally and shrug things off. Nothing gets taken to heart really. However I realise that there are some people in the world who really are timid and easily upset. Whatever gets types, I feel that it will upset someone somewhere. You can please some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all of the time.
Personally when I see things like for example, if someone is too cowardly to cull a sick and suffering hen and allows it to die slowly over several days and then several of the uber-nice PC brigade post online offering condolences and sasying they are sorry for their loss I get very irate and upset because it is so shallow and insincere. But because it isn't rude or aggresive, no moderator would pull it however much I found it upsetting and vomit making because of it's insincerity. If there were lots of suchs posts I would even leave the forum for good because I find them so irritating.
Someone disagreeing with me, however vehemently, would not make me leave though. I guess it takes all sorts and while perhaps everyone shold take care not to directly issue threats or say personal things about another member, maybe the more timid members should also try hard not to take offence at every percieved 'insult'.It's a 2 way street.

[fenwoman]

As for your initial story Fenwoman, if I had been on either side of the discussion I would have seen the other person as rude. As they say in teambuilding workshops (in a very patronising manner) Lets see if we can think of a way to resolve this situation ammicably

All we need is a request for a group hug and I will scream
Anyway I was very amicable as I told her I wouldn't sell her any chickens and closed the windows. lolol

[red]

group hug !

sorry couldn't resist!

Who was ruder? .

well obviously the other woman... she drove a 4x4.. I did not need to read anymore.....

more seriously, the written word is a difficult debating medium - all body language and tone is lost, and we dont know what the other person is like really.. and then the words can be reread and reread again and again.


I think the rudest person I know is OH's grandmother.. in her 90s.. says what she thinks.. very loudly....
next rudest is the 'yoof' about the village.. 14 ish.. and trying so hard to be hard.. sad really...

my experience of older people ie 70s is they are not so much ruder, as more outspoken... and it works both ways.. they will point out something like your hair is a mess or that they like something... I often wear those patchy trousers.. made up of squares of different material.. and having only recently moved to this village.. two older villagers have both told me 'oh how I love your trousers...what fun!'

(I think its a compliment.. i just worry that i have the taste that is agreeable to 70yos....)
also older people would ask what was wrong with my son.. which in a way was more refresshing then people avoiding us..

[Mandyz]

I'm inclined to want to shake Fenwoman's hand since we think alike. And I'm under 30. I'm inclined to be honest, but I also listen to the opinions of others.
I don't think it has to do with age, but certainly with attitutudes - specifically self-centered attitudes. When the reader/listener only hears their own self-interested response to something and are too lazy or self-centered to consider what the other person is actually meaning... then they assume the other is rude.
Few people seem to bother to take the time to actually listen and properly interact with people.

My most recent story of being called rude (hmm, first in a very long time now that I think about it) involves a telemarketer. First thing she asks after I say hello is if my parents are there. Obviously my answer was no. I refrained from replying she could call them in Winnipeg. (That might be rude - however honest a response to her silly question.) Next she asked if I was Mrs. B. To which I replied no. (One minute I'm the assumed daughter, now I'm my deceased mother-in-law!... I didn't change my family name.) So she said 'okay bye' in a huffed tone and I said 'bye'. As I went to hang up I heard her say 'how rude. you could have been mrs. bartley.' I'm still not sure how my simple honest answers to her silly questions were rude. She never even said who she was or why she was calling, so who's the rude one? (I'm rude for not conforming to her ill-formed expectation of how a call should proceed.)
Obviously she was a telemarketer, so I wasn't about to offer up any information:
"No, I'm not Mrs. B, I'm Ms. F and even though I'm in the middle of making dinner and I have no idea who you are or why you are calling, I'm going to put my life on hold, after answering your stupid questions, to answer more stupid questions about something I'm not interested in - even though I also know you have no invested interest in actually making a sale since you don't know how to make a polite phone call or speak with a potential customer, or even who you are trying to call."

Admittedly, I tend to take secret pleasure in avoiding telemarketers with the truth... "Is Mrs. F there?" Nope. Noone here by that name. "Is Mrs. B there?" Nope. Better get my name right. If you actually know my name, you have a chance of speaking with me... at least long enough for me to say no-thank-you, you-can-take-me-off-your-list, bye.
I dislike telemarketers, but I'm never rude. I don't simply hangup. I let them get their mini spiel in - it's their job. If it's too long I'll interupt when they try to breath and tell them I'm not interested. But I don't just hang up - I treat them like the human being they are stuck in a crappy job.

[Merry]

I`ve never found rudeness to be an age or generation thing.
Only in my own personal experience of course.

[Stonehead]

she drove a 4x4.. I did not need to read anymore.....

So you don't read anything I write then?

[Wombat]

Hum!

Yes the other sheila was rude! and therefore deserved what she got.

As far as being rude online.......without the visual cues of face and body language something not meant to be rude can come across as rude, or sharp or hard or whatever.

As far as modifying one's communication style if one is repeatedly accused of being rude..............of course! communication is a funny thing, the person who opens the communication has the responsibility to make sure that their communication is clear and not classed as "rude". It is not the fault of the reciever that they percieve it as such, the communicator just has to work a bit harder to be "non threatening"

I have also seen people who considered themselves to be "open and honest" to use that as cover for being "rude and inconsiderate". We all have a responsibility to think of the other person when we communicate.

And that is my open and honest opinion!

Nev

[Stonehead]

It is not the fault of the reciever that they percieve it as such, the communicator just has to work a bit harder to be "non threatening"

I have to disagree with that. There's a certain person in our village who has a reputation for being extremely rude. If you see her down at the shop, at the school, or anywher else and very nicely say "Hello, how's things", she blanks you, looks away or walks away.

She only speaks to people she consider to be of her class or better. We've had people over who work with her and the Other Half, who ask "what's the problem with her - when I see her outside work she blanks me".

The simple fact of the matter is that it has nothing to with the communicators being threatening or insufficiently friendly - it has everything to do with the receiver being rude and snooty.

[Wombat]

The exception that proves the rule

Nev