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Grief, 14 years on!

Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 4:15 pm
by Mrs H
Hi Guys, I havnt been on in ages as I've been trying to sort my head out but it hasn't worked so I thought I'd come home, pour my heart out and see what you guys think!!! Sorry!!!
When I was 16 I fell pregnant by my now husband. The age of consent over here is 17. My parents who consider themselves to be upstanding members of society told me that if I didn't have an abortion they would take Neil for rape of a minor, he was 18. I remember at the time feeling like my head was going to explode. Abortion is illegal over here so mum and dad took me to London. The abortion happened on the 17th August 1997. I still vividly remember begging my parents not to make me go threw with it but they just kept telling me what they would do if I didn't.
Afterwards we came home and it was never mentioned again. Neil helped me in the months and years that followed. I left home and moved to Kent at 20 as I couldn't get over what they had done. We didn't speak for nearly 7 years. Over that time I came to terms with what had happened. Married Neil and had 3 more beautiful children.
I had always believed I was having a girl so we had named her Cally.
I'm in touch with my parents now occasionally but I hate them for what they did, I told myself I could get over it and move on but I can't.
My little girl would have been born at the end of February, she would have been 13 this year and for some reason I find myself racked with grief, regret and what ifs and an all new level of hate for my parents.
I'm sure it will pass but at the minute its greater than ever.
Sorry to land this all on you guys but hiding myself away hasn't helped so I thought I'd give talking about it a try!!! Xxx

Re: Grief, 14 years on!

Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 4:26 pm
by fifi folle
Oh honey, it's ok. You can bury your feelings so long but they always find a way out. What a horrible situation to be put in by your parents, I am sure they thought they were doing the right thing at the time with the best of intentions. Perhaps you could plant a tree/shrub in memory of her so that you could have a reminder of your first baby. Maybe speak to your GP about being referred for CBT/counselling. :hugish:

Re: Grief, 14 years on!

Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 4:59 pm
by bonniethomas06
I am so sorry to hear that :hugish:

I can only imagine what you must be going through. The fact that it was a forced abortion must be no different to having lost a baby in any other circumstances - in which case you would have had people flocking around you in sympathy. And that is part of the 'closure' process I suppose - which it sounds like you wre deprived. So no wonder you are still in pain all this time on.

Can't imagine what your parents were thinking!

Don't beat yourself up for not having gotten 'over' it yet - I have no experience of this so forgive me trying to even offer you advice, but I find when someone dies on significant days I light a candle in a significant place in the house and leave it going all night. Not sure why, but it helps.

Give yourself the time and space to grieve - and as above, why not speak to someone trained to analyse your feelings with you?

Big hugs and thinking of you :hugish:


Re: Grief, 14 years on!

Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 6:16 pm
by Green Aura
:hugish: So sorry honey, it must have been an unbelievably awful time for you. And still is.

Are you able to access any grief counselling? I'm sure you wouldn't be the first person they've seen with this situation and I'm sure they'd be able to help you.

As for your relationship with your parents I'm afraid I can't offer any advice. A lot of people are weak, more concerned with what others think than supporting their families. I'm not sure if that makes them bad people or just........weak. But I feel angry with them so if your relationship is strained then I think that's more than OK.

Re: Grief, 14 years on!

Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 6:28 pm
by southeast-isher
Mrs H i really feel for you. I know two people who had abortions and it has been very hard for them. All i can do is wish you well and hope you give something like CBT a try. Take care x

Re: Grief, 14 years on!

Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 6:32 pm
by boboff
Talking about it is best.

I can't understand what your parents were doing, it's not right.

The fact that you have a family now, with what must be a very special man, is a blessing.

The two issues you are facing, grief and anger with your parents I think need to be seperated. You can't really get over grief, it just gets slightly easier to deal with, but you could focus on dealing with the anger.

In the mean time count your blessings everyday, and try and move forward.

Re: Grief, 14 years on!

Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 10:27 pm
by Susie
Mrs H, I keep trying to reply with something helpful and intelligent but I'm failing, so I'm replying with hugs and good wishes instead. And I agree with everything Green Aura said.

My only other thought is this: if your feelings about this are more intense at the moment than at other times (I know you must have had the same grief and anger since it happened, but it sounds a bit as if you are going through a more intense phase), do you think there is anything else going on in your life that has triggered it to any extent? A good thing, a bad thing, even something completely random? I'm not sure if it would help to know, but sometimes it helps to make connections and shed new light.

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. :hugish:

Re: Grief, 14 years on!

Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 11:15 pm
by snapdragon
sending love MrsH :grouphug:
Do get some counselling if you feel it will help you, and give yourself permission to grieve. xx

Re: Grief, 14 years on!

Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 12:57 pm
by TheGoodEarth
I think it is amazing you two are still together. Well done.

My wife is a counsellor and deals with exactly this situation - losing a child and grieving for it. Please don't feel you are alone because you definitely are not. She really does help people.

I think you should speak to someone who is professionaly qualified to help with exactly this situation, ask your GP to refer you. There is plently of help available, you just need to access it.

Have you heard of CRUSE?

Re: Grief, 14 years on!

Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 2:32 pm
by pops
sending you hugs mrs H :(

Re: Grief, 14 years on!

Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 3:06 pm
by becks77

Re: Grief, 14 years on!

Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 8:14 pm
by Ellendra
It's ok to grieve, there is no time limit on that :hugish:

I can't say for sure what might help, every person needs something different, but I know a few people who have lost children through miscarriage or abortion. One thing that sometimes helps is to hold a funeral for the child. It doesn't matter how long ago it was, you can still hold a little, private ceremony, with whoever you choose to be with you, so that you can say goodbye. I know one woman who has a small memorial rosebush with her baby's name on the plaque.

Don't be afraid to ask for what you need.

And give your kids an extra hug! It's easy to forget the living because we're thinking so much of the dead.

I hope some of this helps. We're all here for you.

Re: Grief, 14 years on!

Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 8:21 pm
by growingthings
:hugish: xxx

Re: Grief, 14 years on!

Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 10:36 pm
by Helsbells
This is so terrible MrsH, I have shed a tear reading your story. I am so so sorry for what has happened to you, a dreadful, dreadful experience. I am not surprised that you are angry and grieving. I am sure that nothing I can say will make you feel better, but I wish I could just say to you not to feel guilty because you have done nothing wrong, you loved your baby. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Have you looked at blogs and websites for women who have been through the same experience as you? Might be helpful.

Re: Grief, 14 years on!

Posted: Fri Feb 18, 2011 5:56 pm
by Nomada
I'll be honest, I'm not sure what I can say to you because I can't pretend to know exactly how you feel but I do feel for you and Neil and I didn't want to say nothing at all. I think you are incredibly brave and I'm sorry such a terrible thing happened to you :hugish: