A little upset and wondering if I've done the right thing

[mrsflibble]

ok ,a little background here before I start ranting. my friend form school is getting married later this year. she's hired me as her photographer (woo hoo, cash!) 'cos I'm giving her "mate's rates". She's invited me and James to the wedding, all well and good. I'll be a guest, but I'll also be doing some work while I'm there. call it a busman's holiday if you will. I sent an RSPV back stating me, james and soph are looking forward to attending.
I got a message this morning. she said "are you really planning to bring sophie because although we'd like everyone's children there, the reception place charges full price even for children".
I have taken this as her basically saying "please don't bring your daughter". OK, I understand that receptions are pricey etc, but sophie is two and I sent her a message back saying either we all come, or none of us come; which means me not doing the photos; and that if she's willing to let me, I'm willing to let soph eat off my plate or pack her a lunchbox if necessary. I'm worried I may have said the wrong thing, but again I'm annoyed that she didn't make it clear soph wouldn't be welcome. if she had I'd have turned down the invite (not to mention the job). Like I said, we're a package.

have I done the right thing? I think I have but I'm doubtful too

[Ratty]

Tough call this one since you stand to earn some pennies out of it too. I personally get upset at people who effectively "ban" children from their wedding - presumably not because of cost but because the little people might ruin their "perfect day" in some way. We've had this over the years because our oldest son was autistic and therefore considered a "risk" of ruining things in some way. Suited me though, I absolutely hate weddings and have managed to only attend 1 in the past 9 years (to which I took Ash because he was only 3.5 months old but I sent Joe to his grandparents as I just knew he wouldn't enjoy it and would prefer to be with them for the weekend!). We recently discovered that a wedding we'd been invited to & told it was "no kids" actually only referred to our child. I was mightily angry. I never went to it as it was OH's friends who I don't get along with anyways!

I personally think you have done the right thing (I've been thinking more as typing!) but I guess my opinion might be skewed somewhat by my hatred of weddings & personal experiences! Incidentally, what did you do for your's & James's wedding? (keep almost typing weeding!!)

[QuizMaster]

I'd say an invitation is an invitation.
It might be a bit mean to not invite your children, but I think the time to mention it is when the invitations arrive, and not announce you will be bringing people surplus to invitation.

A mate of mine did our photos "as a present", but he charged for prints. The present was his day taking pics.

[mrsflibble]

Well I'd assumed the invitation, being to "the olivers" included sophie.

come one come all was our motto.
My mum and dad did our reception (food included by my ex-caterer mother lol!) in their humungo-garden as our wedding gift. We had my little sister's best mate as an extra bridesmaid because she'd never been one before, but with her came her little brother and mum too. Also we invited my mum's best mate Alison, who of course brought her 3 kids. Yes it was slightly noisy in the ceremony room, but Maria (bridesmaid's mum) had come prepared with bits of apple and biscuits for all the kids present. The only one invited who didn't turn up was my cousin; it was his dad's weekend to have him aparently and my aunt couldn't persuade him to swap weekends.

[contadina]

I think you should respect the wishes of the couple about to be wed. For some people, having children at their wedding is an integral part of the proceedings, for others it is a distraction.

We had a no children proviso at our wedding as we wanted all our friends to really let their hair down for the weekend. All had a brilliant time and many made of point of contacting us on return from honeymoon to say thanks for allowing them to party all weekend (not something they get to do that often).

Most people can arrange a babysitter for the duration of a wedding and unless it's only your child who has been snubbed, you shouldn't see it as such.

[Masco&Bongo]

If we had asked for no children at our wedding, the majority of both of our families wouldn't have come... it was too far to come without children, as it meant a night's stayover...

We catered specifically for kids at our wedding, and the venue were happy to do either a "fishfingers and peas" type meal, or a half sized adult meal dependent on what was asked for. We also provided colouring books and small things to keep the kids amused during speeches etc.

Unless it was specifically stated that it was "no children" then I would assume the invite is for everyone in the family. Obviously, whether you actually take your children is then up to you!

We're having a large party for my OH's 30th birthday in September. There will be children ranging from 3 months old to 16 and 17 years there. If we banned children then my SIL, best friends and lots of family wouldn't come.

[QuizMaster]

We didn't have a "no children" wedding, but we did invite people by name and invited only the very closest relations' children, namely my nephews and niece (travelled from Germany) and her only cousin (travelled from Texas).
It was an all-seated hotel affair. These tend to be less flexible.
It would be different if you were having it in your house or a community hall, and it was a more relaxed sit-anywhere buffet kind of affair. If I ever marry again I'd prefer that kind of thing, though I'm still feeling fairly attached to wife #1.

[MrsD'ville mkII]

Strikes me there are two issues here: your friend's invitation either wasn't clear and/or there has been a misunderstanding over it, and separately, is it okay not to invite children?

It's easy to get upset with these things very quickly as emotions run ridiculously high around weddings. If feasible, perhaps you could have a non-ranty chat with your friend (I don't mean to imply that you can't chat without ranting! I meant have things got past that point?) to establish that you hadn't realised S wasn't included as there had been no previous mention of this and that her reply surprised you and hurt your feelings and now you're confused as you have an arrangement about the photos. In your place I would explain that you're not happy to come without S so as you say, either you all go or none of you goes. At least then you both know where you're coming from on it and it doesn't have a chance to fester.

The second point is so personal. We got married two years ago and had the most child-friendly wedding you could ever imagine - we had three between us so it never occurred to us to ban children. It was so child-friendly that parents really relaxed, which allowed selected little boys to vandalise the loo, set fire to hay in a barn and smash my wedding lanterns. I was absolutely outraged and didn't expect to be faced with that on my wedding day. I'm still quite horrified with the parents for taking their eye off the ball to that extent and as I speak as a parent, not some idealist. I have to say that after that experience (which didn't spoil the day, it was too wonderful for that, but those incidents certainly stick in my mind) I would take seriously anyone's desire not to invite children to their wedding. It's personal and IMHO people are rather quick to get upset about it. I wouldn't be offended if ours weren't invited and we were, I wouldn't take it as a personal slight against the children, unless I discovered that ours were the only ones not invited, that's a different matter. Of course whether you can reasonably arrange a babysitter and pay for that on top of travel, accommodation etc is another matter.

Nightmare, weddings!

[Annpan]

I know plenty of people who had child free weddings - most of them were small but formal affairs. I didn't have a child free wedding but I can understand why some would want to.

Also if I wanted someone to do photos for me I would prefer if I was the one who had their attention all day, or for the important things. Imagine, you are just about to cut the cake and the photographers child has (with all the excitement) had a toilet accident and needs to be changed and comforted... before you know it, no photos of the cake cutting

I would be really hurt if my friend took the huff with me because I wanted my special day to be just the way I wanted it.

If I were you MrsF I would take it back and either you go on your own or you take OH and get a babysitter for the evening - your friend is paying you after all and you would have been just as hurt if she had booked another photographer in the first place.

[contadina]

As many people have said, it's very important to state very clearly your wishes as to who is invited and who is not, to avoid any confusion. We only put parents names on the invites and wrote in the accompanying information, "Being a Scottish wedding, the men will have the opportunity to wear kilts. For this reason (and Gill’s love of jelly) we would appreciate it if no children accompany you to the wedding". We also made it very clear it was to be an all-night affair.

[mrsflibble]

there was no indication prior to this that soph was not invited, in fact my friend has mentioned wanting to meet her on a few occasions. I'm going with the "I'll come, James wont" tack. Like my normal photo jobs (and I'm not doing this as a mate with a favour, I'm a professional photogrpaher outside of our friendship bubble) James will have soph, I will work.



and this whole thread, people, is why one does not conduct business over facebook messaging service.

[Ratty]

You've beaten me to it on a reply there MrsF, I was going to say that I wouldn't imagine for a moment that Soph would be taking up all your time at the wedding - you're taking photos but have a child and husband who should also be invited and I would imagine that James would take full responsibility for Soph.

Stand by your principles on this one gal! And good luck with a resolution too.

[Russian Doll]

blimey how were you supposed to sort a baby sitter for sophie when your in essex and the weddings in oxford...mmmmm

i would have thought if the invitee knows you have kids unless stated i would expect the invite to extend to them as well

[Thomzo]

Gosh - this is a tricky one. I think the invitation should be very clear in these matters. Your friend was extremely tactless in saying that she didn't want Soph to attend because of the cost. I assume she was expecting a present as well as the cheap photos

I can see why non-parents might want a child free wedding. Not having children myself, I find that I spend far more time worrying about the health, safety and boredom levels of visiting children than their parents do. There are plenty of ways of tactfully indicating your wishes on wedding invitations without upsetting the parents.

Don't take it to heart. Although do learn a lesson about working for friends. When I ran my own company I always tried to avoid it. It's so easy to get into a dispute with a "friend" who soon becomes an ex-friend when you do. They still expect a first rate job, don't allow for the fact that they are paying less than your commercial clients and think that they are doing you a favour asking you to do the job. My "mates rates" were always the standard rate, uplifted by 25% so that I could discount it by 20%!

Zoe

[Helsbells]

I am finding this thread really interesting because I am currently planning my wedding in August 09.

I feel quite strongly that I do not want any children ay my wedding and will be stating politely on the invitations that "unfortunately we are unable to accommodate children at our wedding". We do not have children of our own, and, for me, having experienced children crying and screaming at other friends weddings, and thinking "argh this is really spoiling the ceromony" I decided that I really wanted it to be an adult only affair.
Also I want my friends to feel like they can really let their hair down, and not have to worry about the responsibility of being a parent for the night. Also its a really long day, and I wouldnt want my friends leaving early because they have to sort the kids out, or the kids getting stroppy because they are tired.

I know I am sounding like some sort of "Bridezilla" or "frankenbride" as I prefer to refer to myself as, and it sounds really selfish but its my special day, and I am (hopefully) only having one, and I want it to be perfect damn it!

So there you go, thats how I feel about it, but as I say I will be making it very clear on the invitation that its a just for adults wedding so there is no need for any misunderstandings. I am also going to ring the friend who have children before we send out the invites to fully explain the situation to them in a friendly way.