Weddings - Kids or no?!!!

[growingthings]

Right, so Mr GT and I have been invited to one of (my) oldests friends wedding, which is over in Ireland.

They don't have kids, their best man, one of my other best mates does, his children will be at the wedding.

The invitation was only addressed to Mr GT and myself, so I rang to check to see if it extended to the children...this is where I get a little confused.

The children are welcome, BUT they were hoping to have a more adult affair...there will be children there as their siblings all have small children...so if we can't have the children cared for over the weekend they are welcome to come, but if they don't thats fine too..

So...Mr GT says he's not going if the girls can't come. He's ranting about how selfish it is, I can go on my own then...he's my friend not his etc..

I KNOW that my Mum can have the girls for the weekend. I am still bfeeding so this is a bit of a prob, but secretly I would also like to have (my first) weekend away from my family, so I'm stuffed as I would also like to be there with my kids, and maybe have an extended stay and make a bit of a holiday of it.

So if I say no children Mr GT will either not come, and make me feel incredibly guilty about wanting to go so I don't and then I'll feel crap about not seeing one of my oldest mates married, OR we'll take the kids and I'll have to tell the mate a porkie and say that we couldn't get them looked after that weekend, as I think that turning round and saying that it's selfish asking us to choose to leave them behind is a bit hurtful...

Well there it is, I got it off my chest I have an inkling as to what I would like to do, but I needed to get it out in the open and Mr GT is in no mood to have a sensible conversation about it, so once again I look to the wonderful world of Ish to aid me in my time of need!

Lorna x

[pumpy]

Hi Growingthings, if it is one of your best mates getting married, & one of your mates(with sprogs), as best man, then why not have a open,honest chat, & maybe suggest the provision of a kids entertainer on the day, so that you can take yours without feeling burdened. If they are good mates, then they should'nt be offended (& may even think that's a bloody good idea..... in order to allow for other littlun's), maybe then you & yours can have a agreeable & relaxed time. Failing that,then stay at home & argue the toss for years-on-end(only joking).......

[Annpan]

Seems to be a growing trend to have this 'selected children' at a wedding. I find it very odd. But I do believe that a wedding should be the way the Bride and Groom want it. If they don't want kids there then I would leave them with Grannie and talk you OH into going (I am sure you can find something to convince him to spend a night in a hotel miles away from the kids )

I sadly missed my Brother's wedding because he got married in Spain and I was unwilling to make the journey in Summer with a young baby. We are just as close now and we both acknowledge it was sad, but we aren't going to waste time being bitter over it.
My point is... if you do decide to forgo the wedding, so be it, it won't be the end of the friendship... you'll just miss a dinner, a boozy dance and some embarrassing photos.

[lsm1066]

I'm due to be matron of honour at a friend's wedding next year and we've had this discussion about kids. She thinks that people would be pleased to be away from their kids and not have to worry about them. I pointed out that, since they're getting married on a weekday, any friends who have kids and jobs will have to leave early to pick their kids up from childminder / nursery / delete as applicable and would probably rather just have their kids around (suitably entertained by a combination of a professional entertainer and each other).

I think it's weird not having kids at a wedding. Rather reminds me of the time I went to a christening and the priest said "I know we've got a lot of small children here because this is a family affair. So let's make sure the children all stay quiet and in their seats". Yeah right! Weddings, like christenings, are family affairs. So are kids. I'd say you've been told you can take the kids so do that. There will be more kids than just yours there and it's been my experience that the kids all just get together and sort it out for themselves at these kinds of occasions.

Lynne

[Rosendula]

So let me get this straight:

• You want to go to your mate's wedding
• B&G don't really want kids there if poss
• OH doesn't really want to go but will go if you want him to, but he isn't saying it that way because he doesn't want you to think he doesn't want to go in case it upsets you. He'll do whatever makes you happy, which is confusing him, hence the calling B&G selfish - it's not me, it's them, please don't be mad at me 'cos I love you, type of thing (may be way off the mark there, but that's how my mind works). Sweet
• You secretly like the idea of having a night off from being a mother and want to let your hair down but don't admit to that to OH because you don't want to upset him. You feel that by admiting it you might come across as saying you're fed up of being a mother and want a break from everyone 'cos they're wearing you out, when in reality that's just not true and you shouldn't feel bad about liking the idea of a break. We all do. And we all feel guilty about it. (Again, may be way off...)
• You like the idea of making a bit of a mini-holiday of it

Well, why not do the mini-holiday thing and you just pop out for a couple of hours to attend while OH looks after LOs. Then he doesn't have to go, you can, they can't and you get some time away from housework, a change of scenery, and can spend any spare kiddy-free moments being smoochy with your hubby.

Gosh this is good wine. I hope when I re-read this in the morning it still makes sense.

[pumpy]

Blimey Rosendula, were you a script-writer for Spike Milligan?

[Rosendula]

[red]

growingthings... soudn to me like your children will be welcome and frankly if you are bf they should expect you to bring them, but they would prefer you did not.

I can see why you OH will be offended at it seeming like your kids are not wanted .. but its not exactly how it is

you need to talk to OH and explain A that its not that heavy a deal and mayb you explained it wrong and B you would actually prefer to go for a childfree w.e

if he still does not want to go.. then you ahve to decide whether you prefer to not go, or go alone I guess.


I dont understand people making weddings child-free.. it usually comes from people who dont have kids themselves and have no idea how hard it can be to make arrangements or even that some people dont want to spend time apart from their children.

My cousin had a no children wedding on a weekday. The only people in the world I was able to leave my son with overnight (it was not local) at that time were my exH - who was surprise surprise working that day or my mum who was surprise surprise going to the wedding herself. So I did not go. her mum, my aunt, to this day is hurt that I did not somehow manage to make arrangements and attend.. as if somehow.. it was me that made this occur.....
Now cousin has children of her own. hope she likes it everytime she cant go to something cos of the kids....

[Millymollymandy]

How strange because of all the weddings I've been to I don't recall any children being there*. I'd have thought it would be deadly boring for a child anyway - a dull church service followed by ages waiting around whilst B&G have their photos taken, back to reception and more hanging around waiting for something to happen, followed by a meal that goes on and on followed by speeches, cake cutting, more photos etc.

* Having said that I suppose someone at one of these weddings must have had a bridesmaid who wasn't an adult! Maybe there were children but they were incredibly well behaved so I didn't notice them?

[contadino]

So...Mr GT says he's not going if the girls can't come. He's ranting about how selfish it is, I can go on my own then...he's my friend not his etc..

....

So if I say no children Mr GT will either not come, and make me feel incredibly guilty about wanting to go so I don't and then I'll feel crap about not seeing one of my oldest mates married, OR we'll take the kids and I'll have to tell the mate a porkie and say that we couldn't get them looked after that weekend, as I think that turning round and saying that it's selfish asking us to choose to leave them behind is a bit hurtful...

Maybe you need to take a step back and consider who's wedding it is. Then think again about who's being selfish by getting in a strop.

It's very simple. Respect the couple's wishes.

[growingthings]

Maybe you need to take a step back and consider who's wedding it is. Then think again about who's being selfish by getting in a strop.

The trouble is MrGT gets in a strop about everything !

I guess the problem comes from the fact that they weren't definate. Then that way we could have just made the decision and stood by it. But as they have ultimately left it up to us...well you see what I mean.

After sleeping on it I had thought that its all of us or none of us. I'm still b/feeding the Smallest and I'm not sure how a weekend away would affect this, and I don't think that Tallest would be happy being left by herself with Nanny so...I think that my decision has been made.

I agree with the feeling guilty about admitting I would like some time away from my family, but as the Smallest has exczema I am v. keen to keep up the extended breastfeeding as I know that this can help.

I might even ask M & D if they would like to come away with us, (we often holiday with them) then that way we could take time out to go to the wedding (and do the evening bit without the kids) and then carry on with our hols the next day...we will see!

Lorna x

[contadina]

I might even ask M & D if they would like to come away with us, (we often holiday with them) then that way we could take time out to go to the wedding (and do the evening bit without the kids) and then carry on with our hols the next day...we will see!

I think that may be a rather nice solution. By the sounds of it we were rather lucky as all of our friends jumped at the chance of a weekend away from the kids, but one couple did exactly what you are suggesting and carried on with their holiday with the grandparents after the wedding.

[Nomada]

I dunno, maybe they can't afford a kids entertainer, I guess that could be quite expensive. I've always found the kids find ways to entertain themselves though. I can see both sides though, I've been to family weddings where someone's let their kid scream through the service without even thinking to take them out. Perhaps that's what they want to avoid. They're probably bending over backwards to try and please everyone, hence the confusing invitation, and you know the first person to successfully please everyone will rip a hole in the space- time continuum. I think that Rosendula's idea may work best, or if you can afford it taking your mum and dad. Certainly don't feel bad about wanting a little time out. If you don't want to or can't leave the kids your friend is bound to understand, especially if you're still breast feeding the youngest one.

[growingthings]

I dunno, maybe they can't afford a kids entertainer, I guess that could be quite expensive.

They're getting married in an Abbey and paying for all the guests to stay in a Castle overnight! So I'm not sure if this would break the bank

I'm seeing my Dad this afternoon, so I will have a chat about them coming on a little holiday, he's signed off atm, and Mum only works 2 days a week so it could be do-able..

Lorna x

[barefootlinzi]

Child free weddings seem more common recently,but I dont understand that at all! I think of weddings as a family affair, and children are what make a family IMO. Each to their own I suspose, but if I was in a similar situation I would not go if my kids were not welcome because I have not yet spent a night away from them and have no desire to do so yet! I am planning to get married next year and I will be inviting lots of kids, and providing a bouncy castle or something to entertain them. My wedding will be very much family centred, as that is the most important thing in my life.