Friends coming to you on their 'holidays'

[diggernotdreamer]

Does this kind of thing happen to anyone else or is it just me, or maybe I am just being bitter and twisted and completely unfair.

Friend phones me up, coming over the Northern Ireland for a christening, could she come and stay with me for a few days, course I say. Friend gets on bus to nearest big town (35 mile round trip for me) and says lets go for lunch in the town. Friend has no Euro's so I pay for the lunch (only 20 euro). She gives me 50 pounds sterling at my house towards stuff which was nice. We then go down to the local pub where I buy 3.5 rounds of drinks which roughly cost me 50 euros (.5 because she had a ten euro note I had changed for her earlier and I made up the difference), then at the bar asks if they sell champagne because that is what she likes to drink (!!????) but makes do with large gin and tonics. We buy frozen pizza on the way home as it is very late, which I buy. Next day, wants to buy new jeans and shoes so I do a 50 mile round trip to the next big town where I know she can buy this kind of thing, she does buy a sandwich and tea for us as we are now in a sterling zone. Back very late again, so we buy some take away which I pay for (no euros again). Next day wants to see round some local sites, then wants to drink guinness in pub so I oblige and pay again, local trip so I manage to cook us a meal this time. Friend needs to get to airport so I put more diesel in the car (total of 50 euros of diesel in 5 days running round), take friend to airport which is a round trip of 80 miles. The good bit is that because she is on holiday, she doesn't want to hire a car as she drives round a lot for her job, but likes someone to drive her around. She has a good job and earns quite well, I am unemployed at present and usually skint. Have I been taken for a mug or am I just being grumpy and horrible

[oldjerry]

With friends like that....! just make sure you're''away that week'' the next time she suggests a visit,or better still turn up at her gaff next week with a sleeping bag and a hard luck story.Can't stand people like that,they tend to have loads of spare cash anyhow,so doubly annoying.

[trinder]

I do have one female friend who believes that men feel good about playing that role. Even though she has plenty of money she would think it would somehow emasculate a bloke to suggest that she pay, she usually makes a token gesture but never would she think to suggest that she pay for petrol or even round for round.

When she drinks in female company she would never consider that her very expensive drink versus a pint was unfair. She is one of the nicest people and if you needed £2-3 hundred quid she would give it to you..
There is no logic to some people.

I sincerely hope your "friend " falls into this category and simply doesn't actually believe that you might be skint. In her mind £50 for a two day visit is about fair.
Perhaps next time you get any surprise visitor you agree that you'd love to see them BUT suggest up front, that you'll do the running round ( fuel costs ) if they pays for everything as you are strapped for cash, explain that you can use use credit card for fuel. very plausible. You simmply look the other way when it comes to the till or the bar, have the confidence to look them in the eye and smile because it is fair you are putting them up and you cannot afford to subsidise.

Good luck and I hope you can enjoy your next visitor.

[contadina]

If people can't make it to our local town (it only costs €6 by train from one of the nearest airports over 100km away) then we tell them in advance that they will be paying the petrol. I think you really need to prep people before they visit that you don't have the funds to taxi people around, and/or fritter cash away. We live in the countryside, so explain to people that they don't come here for wild nightlife. If they want to see the sights then we can drive them if they pay for the petrol and we are not too busy. If we are too busy and they get bored, they can either walk or cycle 5kms into town. It's worked every time so far and we usually get taken out for a slap-up meal by visitors thankful for a peaceful stay.

[KathyLauren]

You've been had. Who goes on holiday without having the local currency? That wasn't an accident; it was planned.

[diggernotdreamer]

Thought I had been had, happened the last time she came as well, oooh I didn't realise you had different currency from the rest of the uk (even though I had told her) and Trinder, thanks for that, and I am female too, she acutally drives my bloke bonkers. I did keep pointing out to her the Eire has a very high cost of living compared to England. I guess because I wouldn't behave this way I don't expect to have to prompt others to behave fairly. Will have to toughen up and be a bit more forceful. Thanks for all the comments, I don't feel too mean now.

[boboff]

I would have been savage at the time, and told her.

That is why I can count on the fingers of one stump the number of friends I have.

[Green Aura]

It's so difficult isn't it? I have a similar friend who deposited her entire family on me for a week for a bottle of wine (and not a particularly good one) that she then supped. And she had the cheek to tell us her son was still hungry, after breakfast, and they'd had to buy him something from the shop.

My common sense side tells me this person is not really a friend, but my other side knows they'd spent a fortune getting here from down south and that she'd do the same for me if the situation were reversed. Which, of course, it won't be - ever.

[oldfella]

When I first arrived in France 20 odd years ago had lots of "Friends" visit me which cost ME a fortune. I now have NO friends in the UK who come to visit me.

So Sad.

[Mrs Moustoir]

Been there, done that.

It seems to me that some people (let's call them freeloaders) believe that their visit to your home is also a holiday for YOU rather than a chore!

Like others, we've learned from bitter experience that you need to set the ground rules when you get The Phone Call or Facebook message ie when they say to us "we're coming to Brittany for a few days, can we come and stay?" - we say, "OK that'll be lovely but..."

Some people just take advantage whilst others could come and stay for weeks and be no bother (or cost!) at all. Especially my friend and her OH who found grass cutting and bramble bashing "very zen" and a complete change from his City job. They can stay ANYTIME

[ajs88]

Very ticky, I would never invite myself to anyones home but my own families and wouldnt expect it either. But having said that its still tricky with family, do I ask for money, do I offer money, do the groceries I bought make up for the petrol they used getting to the airport. Generally I make up for staying at my uncles home in Spain for free by helping him with his shop/website/projects etc.

Basicaly people, and particaly English people have a big problem with talking about money, accepting genrosity or giving it without emotion. Even with an Aunt who as much as she loves me visiting always waits for me to invite myself and then refuses to let me buy or pay for anything, which makes me feel uncomfortable and hold back a bit, and then she feels uncomfortable that I'm holding back. I'd much rather like to be able to say can I give you x amount and then happily help myself to anything I want.

[berry]

i did have family from up north visit often for a 'free holiday' - their words. I got so fed up after one evening of waiting up until 2am - i papered my living room to keep myself awake while they went out drinking ... i shut the boiler off (not really just turned the power off to it temporarily) and made them sit for 3 days without heating or hot water. saying it was broken and being a bank holiday wouldnt get repaired until the tuesday.

I know it was really really mean but they had the heating on full costing an extra £30 that week in fuel with no offer to pay, didnt buy any food while they were here leaving me to cover the costs AND took over my room meaning i had no where to sleep - i didnt even have a sofa to sleep on just a couple of armchairs as we dont need a sofa. They complained i asked them to bath together - not actually together but after each other (i didnt even expect them to share water!) to make use of the full tank of hot water when it was actually hot. instead the water was hot all day and wasted because they had a bath when they felt like it and whined if they had to wait

It made them miserable and uncomfortable and they bitched about it. I politely told them there was a B&B up the road with heating and showers if they would like to pay for it.

I refuse to do it now. my room is my room and you bring your own packed lunch! (oh ok,i will make you lunch!) oh and if you dont like it 'cold' bring a jumper. every one says my house is like an ice box and i point out it is when you go from a house heated to 25c to one thats 17-18c

ive had fewer unwelcome visitors since and its just the way i like it.

[Mrs Moustoir]

Berry - you are harsh!

[Zech]

She has a good job and earns quite well

I suspect she doesn't even think about fuel costs in her own life, so it doesn't occur to her that she's costing you a lot more money than you'd normally spend. The same would go for food and drink - if that's part of her normal, day-to-day living expenses, she might not realise how much extra it's costing you. The £50 contribution suggests that she's thoughtless and out of touch, rather than deliberately trying to get you to pay for everything, in which case she NEEDS TELLING.

I'm just trying to see the positive side here, but if you enjoy her company then next time she comes, tell her that you just can't afford to ferry her around and buy drinks out, etc. If she turns up without Euros again, make the first stop a cash machine!

[berry]

Berry - you are harsh!

*takes a bow* in this case it was needed! actions over words!