The real 12 days of Christmas

[Andy Hamilton]

The Real 12 Days of Christmas
Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,

Agnes
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Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes
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Dearest John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must
insist, you've been too kind.

Love, Agnes
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Dear John,

Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful
but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes
-----------------

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every
finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Anges
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Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front
steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will
I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the
racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes
-----------------

John:

What's with you and those f**king birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of
God damned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they never
stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not
funny. So stop with those blinking birds.

Sincerely,

Agnes
-----------------

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids
a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they
had to bring their God damned cows. There is poo all over the lawn and I
can't move in my own house.

Just lay off me,

Agnes
-----------------

Hey! Shithead,

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And Christ
do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here
yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over
those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me.

You'll get yours,

Agnes
-----------------

You Stupid man,

Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.
They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and
they've got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be
condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.

One who means it.
-----------------

Listen! Dickhead,

What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those
broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have
been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been
trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious
swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes
-----------------

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you
have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction,
of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If
you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the
attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find
attached warrant for you arrest.

Cordially,

Badger, Bender and Cahole

[rp]

Hey shut up, that is stupid man.

[Wombat]

They used to play something like this on a local radio station (except the gur had an Irish accent).....................I thought it was hilarious

[diggernotdreamer]

ooh goody, nearly christmas