How would you like your funeral to be?

[Pilsbury]

My heart is with you during this time and i really mean it.
It is amazing how the things you need to do seem to come to you when you need them most, all i can advise is follow you heart because i found thet even in the most emotinal and destressing time it can nomally be relied on to guide you.
there is not much else i can say that doesn't sound condesending so i will leave it at that.

[Boots]

Well having just spent the whole day putting our old pony to rest in "Silver Bell's Bed" which I still have to make the plaque for and plant our with nasturiums tomorrow, this comes along as a rather ironic thread.

While it would be normal practice to burn a large beast under a pyre in the paddock, I decided against it... as his 4 year old mate who arrived here as wild as they come a couple of years back has refused to leave his now lifeless side, and he 'went to sleep' in the house yard, with his mate nearby. I considered the idea of moving him likely to be pretty distressing for the other pony who has settled beautifully with his placid influence and figured it might be better for me to create a bed for him to rest in instead.

So with Ringer (the other pony) standing by and watching my every move, we spent today saying goodbye to our sweet old mate. The soil here is baked, so I boxed a coffin for him on the site and spent the day filling it with soil. The bed, being high looks very much like a kids bed in the yard as it has a bedhead for his plaque and I very much believe Ringer understood that her mate had gone and was not simply missing. At dusk she returned to rest with him.

It has been a hard day, very long and very sad. The girls arrived home to help me finish topping off the soil. I am already looking forward to the nasturiums tumbling over the edges and can see them in my minds eye. My heart aches for Ringer, who has wandered slowly through the yards and continues to return to his bed. I doubt it is what Silver Bell would have liked, he would much rather be here supporting and guiding Ringer the wild young one, I think.

What would I want? I don't want anything theatrical. There is nothing theatrical about me at all. I want the docs to take whatever they can and transplant every vital organ or body part they possibly can to help prolong lives for other families. What is left can be cremated and returned to my children. What they choose to do with those ashes, I don't mind. That is their choice and they can each do what they need to do to help them say goodbye, understand, let go, move on or whatever it is they feel they need to do for themselves to get on with living.

It has always saddened me, that folks often have to die before people are willing to stand up and speak about their goodness. I wish people would do that more for the living. It was nice to see you do that for Ina, Shirlz.
I am thinking of you too Mandy, and hope you find peace in the funeral. I am sure you will handle it well, and share a smile and strength at the right times.

[Stonehead]

I've got absolutely no idea what you are supposed to say to people when they have lost a loved one.

I never have a clue either, which is why I don't say much here when people post with bad news. In person, though, I just give them a big hug for as long as is needed. So I'm thinking a big one to you at the moment.

[Millymollymandy]

Thanks all, though you've made me feel guilty. I didn't even say sorry to Andy and Dave for losing their granny. Lots of love and sympathies to Boots and Ringer too.

I'm not exactly losing a loved one, as it is my stepfather not my dad (sounds horrible to say that but you know what I mean), but it's my mum and his children and grandchildren that I'll be feeling for.

I guess I'll just wing it and I'm sure I'll be OK, it's just the hanging around waiting that is hard. But much harder for my mum.

Anyway, thanks a lot everyone. I think I'm feeling a bit miserable because there just seem to be so many deaths at the moment; on the Brittany forum I go on it seems like a pet is lost every week at the moment, and I've just heard that a friend's teenage nephew has just died of cancer. It seems like it is all happening at once.

[Wombat]

It seems to me that one of the things that society does very poorly is to prepare us for the inevitability of death. Western society seems to put a premium on youth and attractiveness so the other bits get ignored.

Boots, hugs from me, I understand what a tough time it is for you, you too M3. Having been through the death and funeral of both parents, including being the one to make the decision to turn off the machines on my dad and be there when he went, I understand where you are coming from.

Nev

[Millymollymandy]

My stepfather died last night so I'm on the early ferry to Poole tomorrow morning. It's not the happiest circumstances to visit England but it'll be nice to see my Mum and brother and eat lots of nice cheese (you know me and my priorities! ).

Funny thing is I will see all my stepfamily who I haven't seen since my wedding reception nearly 14 years ago. Grown up step nieces and nephews who were all little or young teenagers last time I saw them!

They do say families only get together for weddings and funerals!

So I'll see y'all in 2 or 3 weeks. Be good!

[Merry]

(MMM - hope everything goes all right.)
Millymollymandy`s post actually made me think about my funeral in terms of my immediate family.

My two children are effectively estranged, don`t even send each other cards - even though they`re twins.

No big family row involved - just gradual erosion of relationship based on having nothing in common, traumatic childhood, major differences in lifestyle and personality,. exacerbated by one living in Scotland and one in Midlands.

I have a good relationship with both of them.

The thing is - I wonder how they`ll be at my funeral. Can`t see them having an emotional re-unification! Just hope they don`t have a fist fight!

Perhaps I should raise the subject in advance, "Come on you guys, promise you won`t scrap around the graveside!"

[Boots]

Estranged twins? I have never heard of that and while the concept of sparring siblings is common, I really don't think I have ever heard of twins actually choosing to separate.

That must be very hard for you as a Mum, as regardless of their differences I imagine you would remember them united in youthful times...

I am not sure why that concept has struck me as so new. I guess I have just never considered it or heard about it before. Twins tend to have some sort of magical mystique about them to us 'commoners'. It's hard to explain and probably different for lots of people, but its like they are blessed with a special friend or something... I dunno. That's prolly dumb.

Am glad they both have a good relationship with you though.

[Shirley]

My stepfather died last night so I'm on the early ferry to Poole tomorrow morning. It's not the happiest circumstances to visit England but it'll be nice to see my Mum and brother and eat lots of nice cheese (you know me and my priorities! ).

Funny thing is I will see all my stepfamily who I haven't seen since my wedding reception nearly 14 years ago. Grown up step nieces and nephews who were all little or young teenagers last time I saw them!

They do say families only get together for weddings and funerals!

So I'll see y'all in 2 or 3 weeks. Be good!

Thinking of you and yours M3

[hedgewizard]

I've got absolutely no idea what you are supposed to say to people when they have lost a loved one.

It doesn't matter so much as the fact that you say something. "I'm so sorry," is a good start. One very hard thing about being recently bereaved is that you suddenly become invisible - people don't speak to you because they just don't know what to say.

[Milims]

Hi Millymillymandy - I've just caught this thread and my thoughts are with you. A few years ago my beloved Granda died of annorexia - it was aweful to see, but he was a man of high principles and very dignified - even to the end. He also taught me a great deal - like how to read (from head lines in the Sun!) and how to do sums (by betting on the horses on Saturday afternoon Grandstand). These are the things that I carry with me for ever and that way he is always with me - its just like he's waiting a little distance ahead for me to catch up. I truly believe that the only way anyone really dies is if they are forgotten. If we think of our loved ones often, speak of them fondly and share what they taught us then they live forever. The enduring memory I have of my Grandas passing is that he was singing "Sweet Violets" the last time I saw him - it still makes me smile. I do hope that you have the joy of similar happy memories.

As to my funeral - I've told everyone that I want to be put in a cardboard box and have a tree plant on me - I haven't decided which tree yet - but I'm determined to be fertilizer!! I also demand that they throw a BBQ and a Celidh afterwards - and that they let me come and haunt them now and then!!!

Helen and Chirs

[Millymollymandy]

Hi all, I'm back. Thanks for the kind words. I think my Mum will be OK as she has loads of friends in the village and lots of support. It was quite exhausting with all the people dropping by with their sympathies and all the organising of the funeral and then seeing all the stepfamily again, though it was great to see them.

It all went very quiet after the funeral so I'm glad I was able to be there for my Mum as she then wasn't feeling very well physically with one thing or another but the district nurse said that that was completely normal after a bereavement, especially after nursing a terminally ill person for so long. But now she is feeling fine and quite positive and looking forward to coming over to visit me in France next year!

Oh and I finally got to eat some scampi and chips in the pub which I missed out on when I was there in May!!!