Selfsufficientish.com

I have a couple of hours to make a decision, but I could do with a different point of view as my view is biased. Here's how it goes. Since I met Chris my parents have accused him of lying to me, of trying to defraud me of my house, they have suggested that, simply by the virtue of the fact he is male, he has the potential to sexualy abuse my daughter. Just before Christmas we had a major fall out. They completely undermined me, humilitaed me and caused my children to lie to me. I was furious and told them that it was the final straw and that if that was the way they wanted to behave I didn't want to have anything to do with them - it's not behaviour that I would accept from a friend and just because they are related to me doesn't give them the right to be abusive. As a result my mother bad mouthed me so badly that I had social services at my door accusing me of not loving my children.
That's the background. Now here's the dilemma.
My sister has just rung me and invited the children to stay for a few days - but my parents are there for at least one of them. I know that they will say something to the kids along the lines of everything is my fault, that I'm all bad and that they are the good guys - it's what they've done before, it's what they always do, and I'm pretty certain that they aren't going to change their behaviour now.
The thing is I know that the kids would love to go and stay with their aunty - they've talked about it all summer so far. Added to that Chris and I could really do with a break - we've had a really sh1t time over the past couple of years with his illness and all the havoc it's wreaked. We've had to rebuild and rethink our lives, careers and total relationship - and it isn't over yet. We are exhausted and there's yet more to come, so having the chance of a few days to ourselves and for the children to go away to a safe place that they will enjoy being is very tempting. The trouble is that there will be fall out to face when they come back - and, although I know I'm being completely selfish, we've had quite enough for now and I'm not sure we can face any more. I've spent most waking hours this week in floods of tears because of they way things are, as it is, and the thought of having to face the possibility (probability) of more sh1t from my parents is just a bit much.
So what do I do? Say no and disappoint my children and deprive Chris and I of much needed time? Or say yes and have another load of unnecessary sh1t to deal with?

Gut reaction? Let them go! It may not be as bad as you imagine and you need the break.

Would you sister be prepared, in her own home, to insist your parents keep their opinions to themselves? I come from a long line of argumentative and back-biting familes and was so pleased that, when my grandmother died (one of the main stirrers I'm afraid) my mother and her brother made a pact to NEVER get themselves in the same situation. Some parents can never let go long enough that they can't but feel obliged to stick their oars in even when it is patently not welcome. Perhaps you can point out in advance that if they can't respect your own choices and views they might not be able to spend much time with their own grandchildren in future because of the trouble it causes you?

i personally would let them go but tell your sister that you insist that your parents although may visit the kids must keep her gob shut when it comes to bad mouthing you

massive hugs hun not an easy descion

My reaction (for what its worth) would be to let them go.....maybe voice your concerns to them (if they are old enough) ? I suppose you have to weigh up the fall out compared to the time out that you and Chris will share.

I guess that if you can let them go without worrying the whole time as to what is being said, then let them go. If on the other hand you are likely to spend the whole time they are away worrying then maybe it wouldn't be worth it.....personally my gut reaction is to let them go, anything that is said or implied can always be put straight afterwards, all the best with it.

If I were in your shoes, I would let them go safe in the knowledge our children are not as silly as we think, as you yourself are making clear to your parents. They will of course be trying to workout/understand whats going on and it may help if given a different version events, remember they know their mum better than anyone else.

Difficult as it maybe try to re-build the relationship with your parents you may regret not trying someday, been there done that, I'm still doing so.

tony

Well the deed is done. Thank you for all your help and input. I rang my sister and asked her to make sure that the kids weren't put into the position of being piggy in the middle. She assured me that someone would be with them and my parents at all times and that she would ensure that nothing untoward was said. The sad thing is they've been in a similar position with their father who tried to play them off against me - so I guess on the up side it's something they've experienced before and so I guess they can probably handle it - better than me most likely! As it happens my parents are only going to be there for tomorrow and after that the kids can have their aunty, uncle and cousins to themselves!
Thank you all for being there - it's good to have a sounding board and to know that there is reason in the world! Hugs to you all!

There's a wise mum

ajstone wrote:There's a wise mum

Thank you - sometimes that's just what I need to hear!

good for you. I have reservations about some of my family members, but have decided to do a trial letting ds1 go with his daddy to family member. I have chosen not to go, but it isn't fair (in my opinion), to stop little uns seeing their family, just because of "adult" difficulties! I think little uns just get on with stuff sometimes, playing and eating and stuff. My little uns are quite little, but the eldest is beginning to understand so much (faster than we would like him to!) but we will see how this trial goes, as you have decided, and if the behaviour doesnot improve, then we have tried have we not? Good for you. Have a nice break!

Well done, enjoy your time together

Hi there. I'm very late to this post, but I was thinking you would all benefit if they went. My skids live with us and although we don't have 1% of your problems, I do find that just by having a break of a few days (which we only ever get in school hols as their mother doesn't see them in term time - nice) my abilities to deal with the issue we do have are vastly increased just by having the strain lifted for a few days, so I hope the same is true for you.

I some time since determined that when our children are older I won't interfere with their decisions and won't think I know better than them how to run their own lives, bring up their own children etc. What's the point in all this teaching and guiding we do now if we can't trust them to get on with it when they're older?

Good luck, Milims, I think you have done the right thing. I hope you are now having a relaxing time with Chris!

I wish I'd come to this post sooner, speaking from the point of view of someone who has had to break contact with a few relatives. It's so hard to know what to do. My gut reaction was keep them with you, but hey the deed's done now hahaha! I hope you're ok.