contacting my sister - mistake?

[Rosendula]

As many of you will be aware, I told my parents where to get off at Christmas 2007. Since then, my life has been so much nicer. No more family stress, no more of them being nasty, etc., etc. I don't regret my decision for a minute.

Now, what you might not know is that I have a sister. I haven't seen her for about 16 years. We didn't get on and I found her very difficult to put up with. It was like walking on egg shells all the time, and she always took everything I said the wrong way. So after an argument about the health of my (then) unborn baby (I asked the health visitor for some advice and my sister got upset because she'd already told me the answer to my question and asking someone else was not trusting her and calling her a liar, blah-de-blah), we parted company. She's never met either of my daughters.

Anyway, she dumped my parents 11 years ago, so about a decade before I finally gave up on them. We talked a bit on the phone around that time, but I still found her really hard work. Then, 3 years ago, I sent her a note to say I'd had another baby. I got a reply through the post saying she didn't know I was pregnant, and was very hurt I hadn't told her and if that's the way things were she would prefer to cease all contact. Well, it was fine by me. The 'contact' by that time was nothing more than birthday and Christmas cards.

However, when my gran died, and my aunty died, my mother didn't want my sister to know. I thought that was awful, but went along with her wishes as I felt my mother needed a lot of emotional support at the time.

Christmas 2008, I was in a letter-writing mood and sent a card to my sister with a letter telling her I had dumped our parents a year earlier. I got a reply, a nice one. In it she said that she only found out Gran died a few months ago, and doesn't mention our aunty. Her letter came across as sounding like she would like to get back in touch properly. So I have written her a letter to tell her about our aunty, and have told her a bit about what's going on in our lives. I know it's going to open up the doorway to some kind of relationship with my sister, but I'm really nervous that I'm going to regret it. If she hasn't changed, it's going to be hard work and stressful dealing with her again, just a the time when I finally feel happy with my life. But then again, after all these years without our parents on her back she might have changed.

I haven't posted the letter yet. What do you think? Should I not bother? Is it worth the risk? I'm really struggling with this one.

[Green Aura]

What's the worst that could happen - you send the letter, she replies or doesn't; is good to be with or isn't; you form a new and lasting bond or you go back to the status quo.

I'd send it if it were me (although I'm not good at ending relationships even when they're stone dead, so I'm probably not the best person to advise). I suppose I'd always worry that I'd not grasped the olive branch when it appeared to be offered.

Only you know how traumatic it could be for you. Time can change people, although often doesn't, but I suppose you don't really know what's been going on in her life to make her contact you.

If you send it, make sure you control the situation - if she gets the huff over stupid things it's her problem not yours, don't take it on board. It sounds like your parents did a lot of damage along the way, which you've managed to mend - it would be lovely if she's done the same and you could have an extension to your happy family.

whatever you decide.

[Graye]

This is a very hard one. If I start with a gut instinct I would say leave well alone, you may end up stressed and you have managed to put all that behind you. I'm an only one so I can't say how I would feel about seriously falling out with a sibling though. And I'm a bit of a pacifist too, I work on the basis you can't change family so you may as well learn to tolerate them, so the gut instinct thing is probably not in line with my usual first thoughts.

I know not everyone agrees with this idea of learning to love your relatives though. My OH left home at 18 (having worked part time for two years to support himself through sixth form as his Dad wanted him to go out and get an apprenticeship instead of f*&^king about with a guitar and going to the Royal School of Music). His father has since died but he didn't go the funeral, OH's family didn't visit him when he was lying in hospital temporarily paralysed after a cycling accident, they didn't attend his first wife's funeral, he had never even seen his niece and nephew etc. As his mother is now elderly he actually went down to stay overnight a couple of weeks ago and came back saying "never again!". He argued with his brother, disagreed with everyone about just about everything and said he felt he had turned their comfortable suburban lives upside down. I've never met any of them so I can't really comment on them further.

If you DO feel you want to be in touch in some way could you perhaps make sure you stick to letters only - no visits, no phone calls? People tend to consider what they are saying much more when writing things down. And don't ask for opinions or advice from her unless you are prepared to stand your corner!

[Annpan]

I would send the letter. Even if it just remains as a nice exchange of letters I think it is better than nothing.

At times it feels as though my mother is trying to drive a wedge between me and my siblings... at the moment I haven't had any contact with her for 2 or 3 months, but I have seen, emailed, phoned all my siblings and we all feel that we should never loose contact with each other. We don't always see eye to eye, but I think they each make my life a little bit richer.

Perhaps your sister had felt that you were siding with your Mother? and I can see how that would be a very hurtful thing, but now you have broken ties yourself, you and your sister could have a very nice adult relationship.


I have found that adult relationships are the ones that include respect, civility and thoughtfulness - rather than name-calling, condescending and manipulation... maybe I should tell my mother

[Rosendula]

The thing is, I'm quite happy without her in my life and I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything - well, other than stress and frustration.

It was me who made the first move, sending the letter at Christmas. Like I said, I was writing lots of letters at that time. Also, it was the first anniversary of me parting company with my parents and I felt bad for them, thinking how lonely they must be now they have driven everyone away (including my two half-brothers who I met a few times as a child, and my half-sister who I have never met). It suddenly hit me that I didn't have contact with any of my family, which when you think of it that way is a little sad. So I wrote the first letter, immediately wondering if I'd done the right thing when I dropped it in the post box.

Now that that little emotional hiccup has passed, I'm not sure I want to start a new relationship with her. I'm happy. What's the point in risking that? Yet on the other hand I think she should know about my Aunty. On the third hand (if there is one), she could easily find out if she was bothered by looking at the website of the local newspaper and looking up the surnames in the Family Announcement bit. That's what I'm doing.

Oh, I just don't know..

[Cassiepod]

The fact that you're even thinking about it suggests that you may regret/have questions if you don't, so I'd be inclined to send the letter but be prepared to let the contact die again if it's still stressful.

Cassie

[Annpan]

I have to say I agree, there is no point having people in your life who don't make it richer.

[normangnome]

If it's any help I had similar problems some years ago with my sister and we had no contact for a few years but like you I wrote to her opened up my heart told her exactly what I was feeling It went quiet for a while then out of the blue she got back to me , it was a very emotional time we both were totally honest with each other but now we are best of friends and although we don't see each other as much as we would like we Txt and chat on MSN all the time. Just stop & think how you would feel if God forbid something happened to her & neither of you had healed that rift, it's true you can choose your friends not your family but I'd say contact her it won't be easier but i'm sure in the long run it's for the best, Good luck xx

[pumpy]

The thing is, I'm quite happy without her in my life and I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything - well, other than stress and frustration.

It was me who made the first move, sending the letter at Christmas. Like I said, I was writing lots of letters at that time. Also, it was the first anniversary of me parting company with my parents and I felt bad for them, thinking how lonely they must be now they have driven everyone away (including my two half-brothers who I met a few times as a child, and my half-sister who I have never met). It suddenly hit me that I didn't have contact with any of my family, which when you think of it that way is a little sad. So I wrote the first letter, immediately wondering if I'd done the right thing when I dropped it in the post box.

Now that that little emotional hiccup has passed, I'm not sure I want to start a new relationship with her. I'm happy. What's the point in risking that? Yet on the other hand I think she should know about my Aunty. On the third hand (if there is one), she could easily find out if she was bothered by looking at the website of the local newspaper and looking up the surnames in the Family Announcement bit. That's what I'm doing.

Oh, I just don't know..

hi Rosendula, i've had no direct contact with my 3 siblings for the last 13 yrs.(not my choice). We were brought up in unusual circumstances. If you p.m. me, perhaps we could swap ideas/opinions, as i think it's a shame that families don't stay in touch.

[SarahJane]

I think that you have been given some really good advice, both for sending the letter and for not........
I have been thinking about if that was me, and your situation isnt much different from my own, I come from one of the most dysfunctional families ever!!
I have very little contact with my family, apart from my children. My siblings and I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters never contact me. It is always down to me to contact them. I hear about what they are up to............................................via facebook!!!
We havent fallen out or anything ,all though one of my sisters and I have a rather tempestuous relationship.
I find it very sad. But after my mum passed away, I decided it wasnt up to me to keep in contact with everyone and keep everyone together, I waited for them to contact me, and I am still waiting, 8 years on!
I think personally that you should send the letter. You were driven to write it in the first place and the only cost is a stamp. Just prepare yourself for no response, anything else is a bonus.
I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that it all works out well. xx

[Rosendula]

Thank you for the further replies. I still haven't sent the letter (and as OH is a postie, the stamp was free!! ) I have explained what drove me to write the first letter, a bit of an emotional hiccup at the 1st anniversary of parting with my parents, but I recovered from that hiccup and feel happier and stronger. The second letter (the one I haven't yet sent), I wrote because I felt obliged to after opening the doors to communication, and because I don't think she knows about my aunty dying.

As you say, SarahJane, the responses I have received here are very good ones, on both sides. However, the reason I haven't sent it yet is because I dread the thought of continued contact with her. The longer I put it off, the less I like the idea of being in touch with her again.

Pumpy, thank you for the invitation. If I decide to go ahead and send it, then I might take you up on your offer and PM you, but to be honest, I think I'm leaning the other way.

[CyberPaddy66]

I don't know much about your past problems with your family but they are family, just because you talk to them does not mean they have to be in your life all the time.

My advice to you is simple, send your letter then see what happens, if they start to encroach on you tell them to back off again and go back to not communicating. You won't have lost anything by trying and you may just find out that they have changed for the better, a long shot but family is family.

[Millymollymandy]

Why not rewrite the letter just to tell her about her aunty dying? I think she ought to know that.

[Graye]

I'm not sure about this. Rosendula obviously has serious doubts about what she is letting herself in for by writing - the fact that she hasn't posted the letter shows this. Perhaps she should go with her instincts.

She said earlier on that she was happy with her life now and doesn't miss her family.
If her sister had any interest in the family she would have found out by now about her aunt one way or another. Perhaps she already has? And not bothered to comment?

I can't believe I feel like this about it as I'm the one who berates my OH for having little to no interest in his family, but I suspect Rosendula's sister will not have changed over much and despite the "nice" letter, she will be interfering and putting her down before too long.

[Rosendula]

One thing I've noticed while reading these replies is that every time someone says I should send the letter I think 'No!!!' , and every time some says I should not send it, I think 'Yay!'

Those of you who are saying I should because it's family, blood-ties, aunty dying, etc., those are the reasons I wrote this letter in the first place, because I felt an obligation. But it's the feeling of obligation towards family that made me stick around my parents for so many years, despite them being nasty to me & OH, trying to split us up, and saying nasty things about my children. If I hadn't felt obliged and stuck around, it would never have got to the stage where they were being nasty actually to my children.

So I think I've got to the stage in my life where I am fed up of doing 'the right thing' and seeing my nearest and dearest, and myself, coming off worse for it. Splitting from my parents was a hard thing to do simply because of the blood-ties, and I did it because I thought it was high time I started putting my children and OH first. I think I need to stick with that. As already said, if my sister was interested in family she could have easily found out about our aunty, but she's not interested.

So I'm not sending the letter.

Thank you, everyone, for the thoughtful replies, including those who said I should send the letter. Reading the responses has helped me work out what's going on in my mind, the reasons I was going to send the letter, and the reasons I was holding back.