Letting go

[Pumpkin&Piglet]

We have had a lot of upset with my husbands family and although now things are very good I find it difficult to let go of the past. Any tips on forgiving and most importantly for me, forgetting?

[Helsbells]

I have had A LOT of trouble doing this when a very old friend upset me, and hasn't spoken to me since my wedding. I have found it extremely difficult to let go of negative feeliings and forgive her for how she has made me feel. For me there was an injustice, and I find that hard to cope with.
A few days ago an older man at my allotment said some not very nice things to me...I wrote about it here:

http://www.serendipitychild.blogspot.co ... tment.html

I decided that it was him that had the problem not me, and suddenly I felt lighter. I was able to step outside myself, acnowledge how bad he made me feel then not accept the feelings into my heart.
Funniliy enough, he came over to me and appologised the other day!!

[wabbit955]

. Any tips on forgiving and most importantly for me, forgetting?

forgiving is the easy bit i do not think you ever forget

[Thomzo]

It isn't easy but I find talking about it helps. Do you have someone that you can offload to? Someone who isn't connected to the family and can be objective about the issues. Most importantly, that you can trust to be discrete.

Zoe

[Pumpkin&Piglet]

I think I have a sort of solution. Ish!

My problem is I need to talk about things and 'clear the air' and understand the other persons point of view (which I try hard to do and am happy to admit if I was wrong or I didn't understand to start with) and explain myself so I am understood.

My parents in law are not fans of this and are less able to acknowledge their issues. They are far more defensive and less able, I think, to cope with their mistakes. I am also aware though that I don't understand their pain properly as I don't have their life experiences or situations.

Anyway my plan (after attempting to speak to them recently, pleasantly and explain how we feel) is to not see them for a month or two and to calm down a little before we next meet up. I'm sending my husband in with a letter tomorrow evening to say a few points I want made clear and then we'll leave it all.

This sounds awful! But I am currently changing my anti depressants and am in a desperate situation - this evenings episode was less than pleasant! - I wish I could not worry about how they have upset me and the unjustness I feel, but right now I can't manage that.

So, I've written:
"I don’t particularly have a lot of respect for what I am doing but I ask that you understand what a desperate situation I’m in and if you can’t understand or see that then please just believe it. I am not perfect and I do what I have to do, please accept that even if you don’t agree with it. I need the following points made."

And have then made 5 not too long points about how I feel and said about one fo them that they need to acknowledge it before we can move on. I'll ask my husband to explain all I need is for them to say yes and then when I'm all sorted medication wise we can carry on all lovely again.

This to me sounds immature and silly etc but I feel a genuine need for it

Does anyone understand or am I a nutter?!

[boboff]

Spend some money on a Therapist.

I could comment, but it would take ages to put it diplomatically, and as I have no wish to upset you I think you need to pay to see someone a few times, you can get 4 hour sessions for £100, and I think with some reading you can make a difference very quickly.

I hope that you get happy soon, and no you are not a nutter, just normal.... Big Love

[Milims]

Try revisiting the scenario with todays attitude, ie when you are feeling stronger and calmer and the relationship has improved. Think about the situation and how you feel now and make that you vew point. Chances are it will be entirely different. If there are things you still can't resolve ask yourself if you have the courage to talk about them with the people involved and be prepared for whatever their answer may be. Then forgive yourself and forgive them. You can't change what has happened but, with wisdom of hindsight, you can see it differently.

[Mrs H]

I always say you never forget you just learn to live with. We also have very rocky relations with both sets of parents. Some of the things they have said over the years have been horrendous (i pride myself in being able to hold my own tongue until i get home behind closed doors!! lol).
We have decided now to let them live how they want and try not to get irritated or upset with things that happen or are said. It is really difficult sometimes.
You need to find a way of dealing with it otherwise they will send you cuckoo. At the end of the day as long as you and your other half are happy then thats whats important.
Sending you love n hugs. xx

[that_sarah_girl]

Spend some money on a Therapist.

I could comment, but it would take ages to put it diplomatically, and as I have no wish to upset you I think you need to pay to see someone a few times, you can get 4 hour sessions for £100, and I think with some reading you can make a difference very quickly.

Or ask your GP if you can get CBT (congnative behavioural theropy) on the NHS. There may be a waiting list but it really helped my OH.

This to me sounds immature and silly etc but I feel a genuine need for it

Does anyone understand or am I a nutter?!

I don't think it sounds immature or silly, it sounds like you just want to get on with them but can't due to differences in opinion. It's really great that you're trying to get through this.

I don't get on with my parents at all, especially my mum. They sound similar to your in-laws in that they have difficulty acknowledging their imperfections, they think the sun shines out of my sister's backside, and I constantly end up feeling like the black sheep.

These days I live 200 miles away, we have come to a mutual agreement that we cannot be in the same place for more than a couple of days without getting on each others nerves so just catch up by phone or email (mainly email, unless I make the effort to call her) and when we do see each other for birthdays/Christmas etc. we make sure there is plenty of wine in the house...we get on a lot better that way

[Pumpkin&Piglet]

I've had a therapist while it was all going on and he's been wonderfully helpful. I feel I've got as far as I can there and perhaps will try to find for a different perspective ut I suspect I know all the theory, it's putting it in to practice that needs work!

I think my problem comes primarily from a lack of working medication which I'm sorting out.

I've had time to think and to calm down and I am working on seeing it all differently and it is just a case of letting go of some things which is incredibly difficult but I'm sure once I'm of a more stable mind I can work on it!

They are incredibly flawed human beings and that makes them difficult to have a relationship with but who isn't?!

I at least now, after attempting to speak to them previously, feel that I can have conversations with them without them criticising and judging as much as they have done before. Now they are much less aggressive I'm sure in time I can mention things that are upsetting and explain how I feel without it having to be a big chat and without offending them. I hope eventually they can understand and if the opportunity doesn't come up for all that then I will have to learn to live with things as they are which I'll learn to do as time goes on and as I increase my feeling of self worth.

I was having a particularly bad evening and I needed to do something - however silly - and posting on here for support/advice/whatever got me through then. Hopefully now I can work on a more useful, positive and long term solution!

Thank you for your replies

[Susie]

My problem is I need to talk about things and 'clear the air' and understand the other persons point of view (which I try hard to do and am happy to admit if I was wrong or I didn't understand to start with) and explain myself so I am understood.

P&P, I think you're probably a nicer person than me, but it's my experience that a lot of people this just doesn't work with (in fact, I'm one of them), and some people you have to just walk away from emotionally even if you can't physically, and have only very surface conversations with. Then you bang your head against a wall, or brush the cat really vigorously or something, when you get home. Some people you just aren't ever going to have a good relationship with. I'm sorry that sounds so cynical, I've just known a lot of very difficult people!

I'm honestly sorry you're having a bad time and I'm glad things are a bit brighter today .

[The Riff-Raff Element]

Some people you just aren't ever going to have a good relationship with. I'm sorry that sounds so cynical, I've just known a lot of very difficult people!

I'm honestly sorry you're having a bad time and I'm glad things are a bit brighter today .

What Susie said, really. I've a little wee box in my mind where I lock nasty stuff and label it "Never to be opened EVER!" Works for me, though I appreciate that it's not in line with modern medical thinking. Beyond that I just adopt a "smile & wave" attitude and attempt to rise about it on the basis that these people really don't matter to me, there are other people who really do and there's only so many hours in the day in which I can do my caring.

[oldjerry]

I s' pose this sounds a harsh but Susie and Riff Raff are spot on.I had loads of grief off Mrs OJ's lot (Italian ) and her old man didn't speak to me for the first 7 years! but when the first grandc hild was born he knew if he wanted any contact he had to be at least civil.It's a bit simplistic,but I apply the 'pub test'.....if you wouldn't speak to them when your out,why bother? be polite,sure,but you can't like everyone. BWs.

[KathyLauren]

I would give up any thought of "forgetting". I read an interesting essay once on forgiveness in which the hippie philosopher Stephen Gaskin said, "The whole point of forgiveness is that, if you forgive, you don't have to forget." That struck me as very profound. If you experience some hurt severe enough that forgiveness becomes an issue, there is no way that you will ever forget it. If it needs to be forgiven, then it was a memorable event. The point of forgiving is that you become able to experience the memory without re-living the pain.

How to get there? D*mned if I know. Over the years, I seem to be getting better at it. It involves a lot of letting go, and a lot of identifying what is my "stuff" and what is the other person's "stuff".

It is hard if we were raised by parents who didn't get it. My mother never did forgive anyone for anything in her entire life. She would pretend to forget, but of course couldn't. And since she didn't forget, and hadn't forgiven, everything resurfaced over and over again. Getting out from under that role model has been an ongoing challenge in my life.

If you are interested in the essay I referred to, it was in a book entitled "Mind at Play" by Stephen Gaskin. Long out of print, probably.

[Pumpkin&Piglet]

That makes total sense. If I've managed not to remember it, I clearly didn't give a shit in the first place!

I definitely like the bit about remembering but it not causing pain - you're obviously going to remember things, stuff pops up in your memory all the time, it's them not hurting that I'd like.

It's the letting go bit that I can't manage just yet, but I'm working on it. I'm aware I've got a lot of "stuff' as you say and I'm trying hard to work out what parts are mine and deal with them but it takes time.

I need to work out how to be happy in the meantime. Thanks, I think I will look for the essay you mentioned