I envy those seemingly carefree women who work in Neals Yard and the organic grocery, who earn a living but seem to not worry too much about it, while envying those who have achieved what I think I ought too.
Why am I pushing myself? School, family and university all told me that I have to achieve, as a women I have to accomplish something, I have to do something that others can be proud of. No one mentioned being happy, no one valued being a woman in itself, or even that you work to live so study something that will make this easier not harder! And its not even to earn money, if it was maybe someone would have mentioned getting a bloody skill, its literally success in itself and the more unachievable and harder the goal the better.
If I did manage to achieve the 100k a year job what would I be rewarded with, not being allowed to have children or stay at home with them because I'm the breadwinner, a huge mortgage, more and more insurance and finally redundancy as this is how most these jobs seem to end. Would my marriage survive this success, would my children, would I?
I often feel like I've literally been indoctrinated and brainwashed with a false set of values and am beginning to see the dawn, my body and mind is reacting against me for a reason, I should listen to it. I should see my modest achievements as huge achievements, despite a very dysfunctional and deprived childhood, serve depression and self-destruction in my teens, several traumas and not a lot of help I have accomplished a normal life and even better someone lovely to share it with.
But even to the liberal arty people who are my friends and family this is hearsay, I'm giving up, I'm wasting myself, I could do so much more etc. I'm guessing a lot of people on here face this sort of thing and was wondering how do you deal with it.
Thanks for reading my semi-rant
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