Why do men fart more than women? Because women don't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Why does it take 100m sperm to fertilise one egg? Because not one of them will stop and ask directions.
A woman goes to her doctor and says, "every time I take down my pants my fanny starts singing "show me the way to Amarillo"... the doctor replies "don't worry, every tw*ts singing that at the moment"....
New Government health warning - everyone is required to sprinkle a sachet of Lemsip Max Strength on their bird table.
It has been established that the most popular sexual position for married couples is the doggy position. The bloke sits up and begs, the wife rolls over and plays dead.
Will Andy ban me? 
