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I was wondering if anyone could shed any light on what comes over children at mealtimes? Or is it just my DD? She's six and a half and lively and imaginative, frequently daft as a brush, pretty smart and extremely talkative, but well behaved, a paragon of virtue at school, polite, pleasant etc. So not a brat but far from passive.

Anyway, come mealtimes she morphs into Horrid Henrietta. She's a good eater, most of the time she likes what I make and she appears to enjoy mealtimes, but her behaviour just goes down the pan. We all eat together, that's me, DH (42!), SS (16), SD (15) and DD, so she's by far the youngest until her little brother arrives at Christmas, but that hasn't been a problem before. She won't sit round properly, she behaves quite wildly and starts raving on about poo/wee etc, she gets up every five seconds and sometimes, quite deliberately, she leaves her food to get cold til we've all finished while she rabbits on. I like to treat all the children with respect so usually don't clear away plates til everyone's finished and expect everyone to sit at the table til we've all finished, but it's not a chore as we're usually chatting and having a fairly pleasant time.

I've tried curbing her behaviour with explicit requests to sit round, use her knife and fork etc; I've tried ignoring it; I've used threats, my usual one being that one more transgression will see her eating by herself in the kitchen (she wouldn't like that as she likes us all being together); I've tried reminding her gently to sit round, knife/fork etc; I've tried keeping a 'normal' conversation going so that she forgets to play up and just eats, nothing seems to be changing her behaviour other than very briefly. She's not like this at breakfast, she gets plenty of other time with us and with her siblings and we eat a good couple of hours after we get home from school, so she's had plenty chance to let off steam. The only thing I haven't tried is a sticker chart, but I'd like to understand what's making her do this.

Any suggestions much appreciated!

Ask her?

She's old enough to know she's upsetting you all and it doesn't sound like she's deliberately naughty. Talk to her quietly, away from mealtime, find out if there's some sort of problem. If so fix it. If not tell her how much of a problem it is for you all and what you expect and sort out with her some sanctions if her behaviour doesn't come up to scratch.

I am not in favour of rewarding behaviour that I'd consider acceptable, nor major punishments if it's not but you presumably already have stuff like that sorted.

The other thing I suppose is - is she getting stuff that may make her a bit hyperactive - snacks, sweets, drinks etc after school that contribute? If so gradually change them for something without sugar/additives and bring her down gently.

If my kids are anything to go by, ask them how school was and the best you'll get is "ok", more often just a grunt. I'd ask her if there's anything worrying her? You know her better than anyone, so if you think it would work, ask her what she did in the playground, or did she have a nice lunch. You might well find there's a kid at school that behaves like this at lunchtimes and she's copying them.

My son has EBD issues and he's the same, but he's always been the same. Short of gaffer tape, getting him to stay in his chair is a matter of reminding him that if he leaves the table, he's finished. Even with all his problems it only took scraping his dinner into the compost bin once to get him back on track. Since then, he's just needed a reminder.

Hope that helps
Lynne

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I always have a chat with her in the car after school, as we have 15 mins on our own driving to the skids' school, and often one particular friend has been a bit of a pain. What I don't really get is why it's mealtimes that brings this out, although as has been said, I did wonder if she was copying someone's behaviour. Unfortunately although she's old enough for a conversation, she's also young enough to derive something from knowing Mummy doesn't like a particular sort of behaviour and testing the reaction. Oh well, DH and I have to leave at 5pm tonight to get to our ante-natal class so we're spared it this evening! Perhaps a chat followed by a sticker for each well-behaved mealtime is the way to go, while trying to keep it low-key. Maybe she's so good the rest of the time that this is the only place she's found to flex some putrid kid muscle!

My 2 year old has decided to be a pest at meal times... I don't understand if it is boredom or pushing boundaries but is reall getting to me.

I hope you find the solution MrsDV.... please let us know when you do.

Well my 6 year old seems to play up in a similar way when we all eat together and I have looked a why a dozen times,if the meal is not a favourite she plays up and normally she's a chatterbox anyway but I do think it is a captive audience with the whole family around the table,people to perform to and as in our family we all sit up until everyone is finished so the performance can last forever except if it's pizza or Lasagne then it's food gone,what's for dessert?

Just a suggestion to anyone using charts. Don't use smiley and sad faces. Have a chart with plain grey boxes and put a bright shiny sticker in a box each time they earn one (let them choose). That way, they don't see the negative (sad face), they just see brigy stickers and blank nothing. It's quite impressive what some kids will do to get rid of the blank grey.

Lynne
(Who's just got back from taking her baby boy 150 miles to his new school - )

I've used threats, my usual one being that one more transgression will see her eating by herself in the kitchen.

Have you followed through with the threat?

I had the same problem with my middle daughter, and i made threats but didn't follow thru, so she cottend on very fast that she could be horrid and nothing would come of it.

When i cottend on i did follow thru, i had to do it a few times as she loves to see if it is a one off, she got with the program after sitting in the garden on her own eating her tea for a week.

Although the tea time antiks stoped she has never stoped pushing the boundarys in one way or another, she is 17 now and a mum and still likes to do thigs her own way. Kids!

Eve

Perhaps a couple of hours after school is too late for her? I know that if I get J (5) fed before 5 he's much happier but any later and he's hyper. She could just be tired.

She might also be getting worried about the new baby - my (then 8 year old) daughter regressed a wee bit when my second child came along.

Given that my 7 & 9 year olds behave like chimps on speed at meal times at home I was amazed to discover that, apart from being rather loud (a desirable trait in small girls in my view, along with being assertive, possesed of withering wit and being very good at maths), their behaviour at the school canteen is described as being "exemplary."

This I can only ascribe to the canteen supervisor having thought up some imaginative cruel and unusual punishments to correct wrong doings.

I myself have tried many approaches, threatening beatings, suspension by the ankles in the celler with the spiders, being forced to clean out the chickens for no pecuniary reward, etc, etc, but what does work is making it clear that the next transgression will result in them eating the next day on their own.

They really hate this.

Which is in contrast to me: I think that I'd quite like the peace and quiet. For a little while.

Lol at those of us quite happy to hide out in the kitchen til it's all over! I think the captive audience bit is a large part of it, as all 6 year old girls seem to be real performers. She loves it when we're all together (which seems quite a frequent thing to me but maybe the thrill just wore off some years ago...) and she does get excited. I don't think it's too late for her as otherwise we get 'I'm hungry' at bedtime, and I'm so not into cooking two evening meal shifts!

Anyway, tonight she's at my parents' so that DH and I can leave at the crack for our all day ante-natal sesh so it's just us and the skids tonight. I know I'm gonna miss DD, at least she talks!