I'm sure quite a few of us on here are in a stepfamily one way or another, and it drives me absolutely up the wall that my skids' (age 14 and 15) mother's behaviour couldn't be less 'eco'. We do our best here to get them to consider their impact on the environment, not to be wasteful, to understand the value of money and the choices we have to make with it etc. That doesn't mean no fun and no treats, but it does mean not spending willy nilly (we can't afford to!) or just for the hell of it.
The skids have just come back from four days with their mother (she lives a long way away so they only see her in the holidays. I don't agree with that but I'm just about at the end of the chain in dealings with her so nothing I say will make any odds) and all they can talk about is what they 'got' while they were down. Nothing about how Mum was, what they did with her, who else they saw, no, just 'I got this, this and this...' - how unutterably SAD! I really struggled not to look like a curmudgeonly old cow but I just couldn't be thrilled that their mother had bought them expensive and sizeable items that they simply either didn't need or needed only because they'd been careless with the last one. Talk about wanton consumerism. I hate it, I really hate it. I grit my teeth and say 'oh, really' as they show me stuff and DH jollies along with it as he doesn't want to be the bad guy, though you should have heard him fulminating about these purchases after SD had emailed listing all the things Mum had bought them. I can't stand they hypocrisy.
Rant over but boy does it make me spit - and look like the bad guy!
Like you said it´s sad. It´s sad on many levels, it´s sad that they mention the stuff they got over the stuff they did, it´s sad that she feels the need to connect (possibly compensate?) in this way and it´s sad that it´ll all be useless tat clogging up landfill in the not too distant future.
If it´s any help try to keep the long term in mind, they are just kids and what seems important to them now won´t in the future. They will reflect not on what they got but how they were treated, but that will take time.
In the meantime, don´t become the baddie, but there´s no reason your feelings can´t be put across subtly (humourously even)....why not say "so what did you get up to aside from shopping?". It´ll make them stop and think and maybe they might instigate change with their mum.
baby-loving, earth-digging, bread-baking, jam-making, off-grid, off-road 21st century domestic goddess....
I used to get this with OH's mother. She spent ridiculous amounts of money on tat neither of the boys needed. I know she does this to make up for her lack of parenting her own sons (she walked out on them when OH was 10 & his brother was 8) but I refuse to let her try to buy my son. Since A is only young I can simply "filter" what she gives us - the majority of it is resold at either NCT sales or on Ebay to raise funds for charity. And when J was still with us even he said "Why does Grandma always buy me all these things I don't need?". Very wise for an 8 year old.
Now she spends less because I've made pointed comments about how I hate consumerism & how I prefer to buy things secondhand or make them myself. I doubt I will ever get through to her on all levels though, since she spends over half the year flying across to Spain & back.
I know none of this will be useful to you, but I do feel your annoyance and understand.
yeah, not skids, but MIL hell. She is consumerist nightmare, and likes to buy the kids approval (as a result look forward to her visiting, less so to us visiting her as it is truly hellish experience due to mummy's stress levels!). She has just got back from a cruise, and here's the thing, she likes to be seen to spend money and be the kerrrr-azeee granny, but can't actually be bothered to buy the firkin stuff herself, so did she buy a model of QM? No, Dh had to go and buy a gift for them and she pretended she had brought it. It's the same every birthday or Christmas. It is the need to be seen a certain way, rather than listen to us about what they NEED, or even try to connect with them to be aware of what they might like. Argh. It's so annoying. But it stems from her absenteeism as a mother in her kids formative years (overseas workers). BUT then the infurating thing is that she tries to "get down" with me saying what half-arsed attempts she is making to be green (bought hundreds of pounds worth of people tree to assuage her fluctuation in weight isn't that good rather than eat less move more, lose weight). OOOOOOHHHHH. Other people. Hell.
i have the same problem hun..my girls are the most wonderful children ever...they are polite friendly eco friendly etc..and then they go to there dads at the weekend and all monday i get we did this got that blah blah blah
drives me up the wall but thankfully by tuesday they realise mummy dont want to know lol
just keep doing your good job hun..you cant change her but you can carry on teaching the kids
eventually children will make up their own minds as to whether or not they want the 'stuff'. They also begin to realise that money and goods don't make up for love and affection.....well at least mine did, after the umpteenth KFC they requested a sandwich and 'can we go home now'.
Think about it, when you look back on memories of childhood, you remember the good times you had, not the 'things' you had. Kids see through 'stuff'. I also think that kids sometimes , perhaps unknowingly, play one set of parents off against the other. I bet when they go to the other parents place they do extactly the same and tell them about the great stuff you do with them. Give them time and attention and enjoy good times with them cos they all grow up sooooo quickly. ww.
Money talks - but it dont sing and dance and it cant walk.
after reading some of this stuff i'm quite glad its just me and my boy
i know lots of families round here like this, normally one parent trying to compensate for not seeing the kids as much as the other parent. I know a few parents who will buy their kids a brand new toy everytime they are due home from the other parent, i see that as buying love and it is one of my pet hates
Gosh, reading this really does make me glad that it's just us three (Me, Tim & mini Fatima).
Sorry, don't mean to sound smug, just makes you reaslise what you've got.
Actually I get quite pleased when our families buy her things, saves us money! but I guess she's too young to start asking for much materialistically, yet.
I always believe kids need your time not things!
If at first you don't suceed, try, try again. Then cheat. No use being a damn fool about it!
I totally agree that kids don't remember 'things' - just try asking them by New Year what they got for Christmas and they can't remember! Trouble is for me it colours their return as suddenly we have two rampant materialists in the house. God knows what it must be like for them switching between two such different set-ups.
I am a step child, but never had the split home thing. I do sort of get the same thing with my brothers and sister though. I take them every few months so mum and dad can have a break for a while; 3 hormonal kids in one house is wearing. They do seem to understand thought that when with me they don't get takeaways unless mum gives me a bit of cash towards it, nor do they get many outings 'cos it's just not feasible. The most fun we've actually had is walking into town and going to a lovely cafe situated in basildon bus station (Cosmos). But they know that certain things done at home arn't done here like sitting on the computer for 12 hours straight isn't done, arguments over the playstation will result in the playstation being packed away... I just wish my mum would follow through too.
on the upside, she has started recycling and turning off lights in unused rooms; baby steps people.
oh how I love my tea, tea in the afternoon. I can't do without it, and I think I'll have another cup very
ve-he-he-he-heryyyyyyy soooooooooooon!!!!
Urgh, don't get me STARTED on this, LOL!
Ellis' paternal grandparents only live 8 miles away, and often pass our house. Yet the ONLY times they have been here since September is Christmas Eve and Ellis' birthday, when they called in for a hour. It's up to us to drive 8 miles out of our way to visit them. My parents live in Wales, so its understandable they don't see much of him, but they don't even bother phoning most of the time...
Funny thing is, when my family come up - or friends are here, such as at Christmas and Ellis' birthday...oh boy! Does Lady Bountiful (MIL) make a HUGE deal of bringing gifts??!! It sort of turns into a gift throwing competition between the families - it would be hilarious if it wasn't so sickeningly false. She also likes to take every opportunity to make snidey put downs...'he's so small because mummy doesn't let him have meat' (lie..I DO offer him meat, he just doesn't like it..), 'Well, I prefer QUALITY items (as Ellis smashes up a £20.00 plastic bit of crap I could have got similar of for £4.00.....and I can't wait to tell her the button of the 'quality' jeans she bought him fell off first wash, whereas the T***o third-hand freecycled jeans are STILL GOING STRONG, HA!), 'Has Mummy dressed you in hand-me-downs again??'....
Oddly, since we have been dealing with the possibility of our unborn child being disabled and/or quite seriously ill; both families have COMPLETELY disappeared off the radar. Quite a spectacular show of complete ignorance, selfishness and downright rudeness, TBH...just when we could do with the support and help of this baby's grandparents, none of them are there for us, they simply do not want to know. Oh, they can send us stupid jokes on email and Facebook, but they cannot POSSIBLY ring us to see how we are. Great, eh?
OH has a theory that IF the tests come back OK and they know they will be having a grandchild that is not a chore or embarrassment to them, the phone will start ringing again. And he has advised me in no uncertain terms what we ought to do in that case...and it ain't pretty!
I'm so angry right now, I don't want anything to do with any of them at the moment - certainly not crappy, off-the-cuff 'gifts' that are based more on showing off and flashing the cash than any real thought. Ellis needs grandparents who can show him love, attention, take him away from us for a wee while when times are tough so he doesn't need to see our tears and our upset...and he's just not getting that from them.
Oh dear, sorry...that was a bit of a rant wasn't it?
I took my dog to play frisbee. She was useless. I think I need a flatter dog.
well all I can say to that is that if your next child is disabled of ill then they are better off without bigots in their life.......Grandparents loss!
You really don't need it, you guys will get through with whatever happens - I would say give them a piece of your mind... but I can't do it with my mum so I don't know how anyone can.
My Mum is a living nightmare - I don't even want to go into details but she is.
My in-laws as lovely as they are (and they love E with every ounce of their being) they don't get the 'eco-friendly' thing at all... but they really do try to keep their comments to themselves, sometimes one slips out... They do buy E 'stuff' all the time, it isn't big, it isn't cheap tat, but it is just 'stuff' TBH I think they can't resist a cute teddy, t-shirt, etc.
My biggest problem is that they keep feeding her chocolate and I keep telling them she reacts badley to it, and they keep feeding her it - last week she was in tears having her nappy changed (bum was bright red) "sore mum, sore" but they still won't listen to me
Ann Pan
"Some days you're the dog,
some days you're the lamp-post"
Thank you...yes, I agree completely. And so does my counsellor....but I do feel so very sorry for Ellis, he never asked for any of this and he adores his grandparents (when he actually sees them); I feel as though he would suffer most if we cut all contact. Fortunately he's only two, so he's still really young - I think it would be a lot harder on him if he was older and had more memories, IYSWIM.
I took my dog to play frisbee. She was useless. I think I need a flatter dog.
Ratty
but I guess she's too young to start asking for much materialistically, yet. 
