Does anyone else ever feel like this about their toddler?

[npsmama]

OK, I'm incredibly ashamed of even typing this and you might all think I'm a monster but I need to know if I am indeed a monster or if this is somewhat normal/understandable.

DS1 has just turned 3. DS2 is 8 months.

DS1 has always been 'spirited' - literally since birth. Didn't sleep much, breastfed A LOT, wouldn't let us put him down, very sociable but needed constant entertaining...etc etc
DS2 slept through very early on or only woke once/twice a night, breastfeeds when he's hungry, can be put down and is all smiles and gurgles.

DS1 is having massive 1hr long tantrums and when he isn't screaming he's either annoying his brother or demanding to be in my arms...or so it seems anyway. He is about 18mo behind in his speech which I'm sure accounts for some of the behaviour.

What worries me is that I actually don't particularly like DS1 at the moment. I just don't want to be around him, even when he's not screaming, I'm so fed up. But this little guy used to be the apple of my eye - despite the incredibly rough time I had with him as a baby - I used to feel so close to him. But now I don't even want to be near him.

Am I a monster? Or is this just a phase?

I want more kids but this is making me doubt whether I should have had any at all. I feel so sorry for my sons because they have me as their mother.

[The Riff-Raff Element]

I think you should be assured that this is absolutely and completely normal.

I had a very frank (slightly drunken, I will admit, and also slightly tearful) session with the other seven fathers from my NCT group, oh, some years ago, and was delighted to discover that all of us had not only gone through periods of loathing our children but had - without exception - had to control sometimes powerful urges to hit them.

As someone pointed out the important thing is that the urge was controlled.

Children are hard, hard work. Sleep deprivation and the constant needs of toddlers take a terrible toll, but it is just a phase you're going through.

Hang in there and cut yourself some slack. But don't ever feel guilty.

[Milims]

Aww hunny - first of all hugs to you! You are not a monster you are a mother and as human as every other mother on the planet.
Look at it like this - if you saw a strange child in the street behaving that way would you want to be around it? I suspect the answer would be no and just because the child happens to be related to you it doesn't make the behaviour any more pleasant to be around - but the thing is it's the behaviour that upsets you not the child. He is your son and you clearly love him very much -otherwise you wouldn't be worrying about how you feel and on here asking about it. You say he's just turned 3 - that's not so far away from the terrible twos - the stage where they realise that there is more adventure in life to be had if only "I weren't so damned restricted by my physical abilities and lack of speach which is so bl**dy frustrating I want to scream!" Get the picture? They do grow out of it - and straight into another stage, and then another and then another until they leave home and have "stages" in their own home!
Maybe when he's having a tantrum you could simply make sure he's in a safe place and then leave him to it - perhaps leave the room and go and have a cup of tea and listen to some relaxing music. He'll quickly get the idea that he's not having an adverse effect on your behaviour - in fact quite the opposite - he's giving you time to go off and do your own thing! He'll also realise that he's getting away with nothing and the only person who's bothered is him! If he's still doing it when he's slightly older try mirroring his behaviour. My son at about 4 threw a tantrum in a shop so I took him out onto the street and showed him how to do it properly! He was so embarrased he begged me to stop and didn't do it again. You see he suddenly found out how bad it feels to be in that position. And I had the added bonus of having a really good time screaming and stamping!
You say that he's about 18m behind in his speech - is there a reason for that? Could it be a symptom of something else? It may be worth checking out, if only for your peace of mind and to find out that he's perfectly fine.
I've also heard of baby sign language, something that they can learn before they speak so that they can communicate their needs and not be so frustrated. I'm sure someone else on here will know more about it.
My two have managed to live to their early teens with me as a mother - so there's hope for every other mother around!
Keep your chin up hun.

[lsm1066]

I don't know if this helps at all, but you're describing my kids, just the other way round! DS1 was always calm and placid. He takes everything in his stride and is an all round "good egg". DS2, on the other hand, is nothing short of a fiend from hell!

But let's look at where you are. He's 3. He's done the "terrible twos", they're out of his system. What you then have is what my friend Sue and I have coined the "teenage threes", which is like the terrible twos but with an opinion about everything. And only their opinion counts. Anything you say is automatically wrong or in some way designed deliberately to ruin their day. In other words, just like a teenager. If you add that to the frustration of being behind with his speech, you have a recipe for disaster. In fact, if it weren't for the speech delay, I'd say it was probably jealousy over the baby.

So about the speech. And this is the tricky bit to say. Has his hearing been tested to rule out hearing difficulties which could account for speech delay? If so, and considering he seems outwardly sociable so you wouldn't automatically assume anything like autism, have a look at http://www.pdacontact.org.uk/frames/index.html. Children never behave inappropriately for no reason. There is always something underlying their behaviour. And whilst I know it's horrible to contemplate labels, sometimes they're the only way to get the help and support you need.

I remember when my DS2 was about 3 I dumped him in his bed and told DH to "take that away!" I just couldn't take any more. We've been sent on so many parenting courses we could probably teach the blasted things, he's been assessed for ADHD because the school said that was definitely his problem. Not only was the school's assessed ADHD score lower than ours, he had a score that was lower than a "normal" kid would get. Conduct disorder, on the other hand, had a score so high that there wasn't a score for it on the chart. It sits proudly all by itself above the chart! I've lost count of the number of insults I've been subjected to ("can't you control him?", "he wouldn't do that if he was mine", "he'd have his hair cut / wear what he was told to wear etc if he was mine", "mine never behaved so dreadfully"). Strangely, when offered (with a completely serious face) a small boy, a packed suitcase and a golden opportunity to prove it, they quickly decline.

Over the years (ds2 is now 9), I've learned to adapt to him. I've even learned how to get him to do what I want some of the time (he's a typical bloke, so you have to get him to do what you want by making him think it was his idea in the first place ). And I've definitely learnt to deal with his meltdowns. Which is just as well because I still have problems with the shoulder he dislocated when I tried to restrain him during a meltdown in the middle of Sainsburys. He was 5. I love my two boys more than anything else in the whole world, and they know it. But I don't like the things he does. The trouble is, he has a problem. And until we can get the help he needs, he'll always have this problem. But we're getting there.

So in conclusion, no, you're not a monster. You're a mother under pressure doing the best you possibly can. Rant any time you like

Lots of love
Lynne
ps. I hope it hasn't come across that I'm implying your son needs labelling in any way. It was just a thought.

[Shirley]

He's a threenager - you are not a monster at all. It's HARD work... and you've got a small baby as well, and no matter how well behaved it is still hard work.

[circlecross]

the only thing my MIL has said which I actually remember from time to time is "you always love your children, but sometimes you don't like them very much".

They are buggers at times (mine are anyway) and behave in a foul way. If the dh behaved like that he'd get his bags packed for him, but they are our monsters and this will pass, so we have to keep them. And squeeze them hard in a big cuddle. And grab their very small bottoms and watch them try and steal them back.

[Ratty]

I would definitely try baby signing with him. That way he has more control over his situation and will be able to communicate with you better. I'm quite tired right now but I have had experience of my eldest son who was autistic (but very huggy & affectionate) who had a lot of tantrums because he didn't have the language to communicate and also felt confused about his world - not saying your son is autistic but just saying that my eldest had the language delay too. My son is 16 months and he has done baby signing since 9 months old - I taught him myself using a book & dvd because i was determined he'd not have the issues his elder brother did - although to be fair he is trying to speak but uses signing a lot. We can even say to him "what is wrong?" and he will sign for a drink or nappy change. Anyways, you're not a monster. You're a loving mother or you'd not be sharing this with us. If I was less tired I'd post more.

***hugs***

[npsmama]

Thank you all so much for your replies - each one of them was very useful.

Thanks for the link Lynne - I'm off to check it out.

We too, have had all these parenting courses shoved at us. We went on some of them only to find they did not address or issues or respect our values at all.
And yes, we too regularly have dirty looks/insults/rude suggestions sent our way. The worst was MIL saying DS couldn't go to his cousin's birthday party bc (and I quote) 'he'd ruin it for everyone'.

[citizentwiglet]

Sweetheart, can I just reiterate that you are completely NORMAL?!

Ellis can be the sweetest, funniest, most charming and affectionate wee man in the World. But when he decides to play up, my GOD....he is the brat from hell and NOTHING will appease him. Today I have practically dragged him down the road from the shops because he was having 'sit down and scream' tantrums. He is now just sat here screaming at his toy cars for no apparent reason. It's horrible to hear, but I am blanking it out and just trying my best to ignore him.
When we went camping last month, he was an absolute nightmare - I think I spent most of the week in tears because of his tantrums, willfull disobedience and inability to do as he was told....exacerabated by snidey remarks and steely looks from strangers about my 'unruly child'. We try to do the Supernanny bit about ignoring screaming ab-dabs, but try that in a crowded beer-garden, bus or shop when other people are just trying to go about their business quietly and you'll just get lectured about 'someone needing to teach that child a thing or two', 'that child needs a damned good hiding' etc etc blah blah ad nauseum. In which case, you calmly say to them 'Would you like to explain to him that he can't run into the road/climb that wall/eat those sweets/hit etc etc?' and watch them shirk away!

He's 28 months, he has a brother due in November and I just know that this is going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better; but I live for the days where he is adorable and just try and forget about the bad days. If I dwelt on past horrors, I'd never take him out of the house!! And the good days more than make up for the rotten ones. Well, at the moment they do....

[shell]

can you get him in a creshe for a couple of hours a week,i always think a few hours apart is a good thing,they don`t become as clingy,learn to mix and talk better,my triplets went in at 2 years 9 months,makes them more sociable,in fact all 6 of mine went to pre-school or nursery early,and i still had quality time with them,as much maybe more than some,or pay some-one to sit for an hour or 2 a week while you go out,babysitting isn`t just for the evening you want to go out,a coffee break with a friend is a great stress reliever,without tots around if poss,i have a young girl(16) from the tec who babysits occasionaly,it dosn`t cost the earth for an occasional break,
oh and of course your not a monster,just a mum who needs time out,you have a challenging child from your post and so you need a breather,have you sure-start in your area,they have helpers and it is free,you may qualify,or contact the local college .see if they have child care students(no charge) that need a placement,i had a girl come round for around 6 months when my triplets was 1 year old,you cant leave them of course but another hand is great,and you will be able to go out with her and your tots,also you dont pay them,but have to fill in there sheets and they have certain tasks to accomplish and you have to give a brief discription of what they did right and wrong,mine never did a wrong thing,she was a great girl and must now be a great nursery teacher or the like!

[lsm1066]

And yes, we too regularly have dirty looks/insults/rude suggestions sent our way. The worst was MIL saying DS couldn't go to his cousin's birthday party bc (and I quote) 'he'd ruin it for everyone'.

Wanna borrow my t-shirt? Ah no, I see you've got your own!

We used to get that with ds2 all the time. In fact my parents still won't have him. Luckily dh's mum is an infants school head teacher and so they take the boys for odd weekends and a whole week in the summer holidays. It would count as respite, were it not for the fact that we use the break to get work done! At least she has no excuse for not being able to cope with him - lol. In fact, she says having him is like having dh all over again! Unfortunately, whilst she's a "right on" head teacher, FIL is a 60+ Scotsman, of the "if you thump then hard enough you solve everything" school. Happily he hasn't actually thumped either of them, but he's always criticising them or imposing rules that are completely unreasonable (such as making them eat things he knows they don't like because he didn't ask before he cooked, but telling me that he could have made me something else when we've finished eating and I tell him that I didn't actually like it either. He doesn't understand that if he wouldn't do it for the kids, I could hardly expect him to do it for me).

Anyway, PM me, rant away, do whatever you like. Happy to listen. Because quite apart from anything else, it's good to know you're not on your own. Oh, and try to get someone to have him for an hour so that you can go shopping. You'll see, as you go round the shops, that it's not just your kids after all. Somehow that makes you feel better too.

Lots of love and hugs
Lynne
xx

[MrsD'ville mkII]

Fantastic advice from everyone else. I would just like to reiterate that you are completely normal in your feelings, even if your son is harder to handle than the average wee boy. My six year old daughter is a well-behaved, polite gem that I have no trouble farming out, but she's ferociously intelligent and sometimes I'm exhausted by 9 o'clock in the morning by her constant need for input and conversation and understanding every tiny element of what I'm doing - and why - and constant what-if's and twisting round what I've said and cross-examining me about it etc etc. What I'm trying to say is that an otherwise angelic child can have you wanting to run away and hide, so I think you're absolutely superhuman for dealing with a little boy who's having such a tough time, and all that with a baby as well. I have enormous respect that you are coping at all!

We didn't do baby signing, but I'm going to give it a go with the little boy I'm expecting atm. I've seen a number of friends struggling with their sons whose speech isn't quite where it should be (one little boy I didn't hear utter a word for his first three years) and really getting bogged down in the consequent communication struggles. I'd like to avoid that one so will look into baby signing, though our daughter never bl**dy stops talking so it's hard to imagine this one will be much different. When things get too much for me I tell myself 'and this too shall pass' - however awful, no stage lasts for ever.

Good luck and hope you have a good weekend,

H

[mrsflibble]

I@m finding soph hard at the moment. she is talking quite well but she keeps trying to assert her donimance in the pack so to speak by having massive tantrums, telling me and James off for stupid things like putting the radio on in the car, and it's really hard. This morning I actually had to put her in a different room so that I DIDN'T hurt her.
I know it will pass though. but I really do get where you are coming from. it's normal.

[Russian Doll]

hun you are toatlly normal...alex is a very demanding high spirited three year old an is 18 month year old brother zach is the same....i didnt like alex for nearly a year

[MrsD'ville mkII]

I know it's traditional in the holidays but I'm surprised at just how much like hard work Polly is at the moment, when she's normally so good. She's being contrary, pretending she's forgotten how to do the simplest thing such as holding her violin and playing a simple note, not trying at anything and over-reacting to every suggestion or instruction, eg 'lean over your plate a wee bit more' because food is dropping into her lap translates as virtually standing on the table, not done for laughs but to suggest I've made a ridiculous suggestion. I've really been trying to be patient but just now I quietly walked away from something we were doing together because if I didn't I would have ended up screaming at her - and absolutely hating myself afterwards. Perhaps it's the influence of her older sister and friends with whom she's been hanging out a bit, together with the lack of school routine and the weeks on end of rain and it doesn't make her a bad person but by god, roll on next term because I'm really not enjoying her at the moment. It's very normal but no less upsetting for that.