Selfsufficientish the soap opera

[Andy Hamilton]

During one of my most hated jobs years before there was internet access available at work, a bunch of us used to work on a story that was stored on one of the shared drives. - a drive only used by us data entry clerks. I thought it might be an idea to get the creative juices working here by writing a soap opera very loosley based on everyone who posts here. Each of us adding to it when the fancy takes us.

Right I will shut up and show rather than telling.....

On a particually dull afternoon in August Andy was sitting in his pants staring at the wall and wondering if it was worth putting some clothes on. He knew that if it did not rain he would have to go and water the allotment. He also knew that if he stayed that the money lenders would be round pretty soon. He picked up the phone and rang Shirley.....

[Boots]

Shirley drew a deep breath and looked back toward the house.
The phone jeered a relentless 'Come and get me' as she dropped her trowel, dusted the earth from her hands, and made her way toward the racket.
'Long live the weeds', she thought.
The impatient ring lifted her pace to a jog, and she dashed quickly across the yard and through the house toward the phone.
Just as she skidded to a halt and jerked the phone from the cradle, she saw the callers name flashing in the identification window.
"Er,"
Quickly, she raised a grubby hand to her face and pinched her nostrils closed, "This number is not available from this service. To rectify your account please have your credit card handy and press 1"
Her hand moved to cover a giggle, just as she heard the line go dead.

[Dave]

Andy looked down at the phone in disbelief. He wondered to himself why he rang Shirley in the first place, he knew he had to put some clothes on, why did he need to ask her if it was a good idea or not?

He looked up at the clock - 11.30 - time for some homebrew he thought to himself.

By two in the afternoon he was compleatly pi**ed he put on his cape and top-hat and took his penny fathering out for a spin.

By 3 o'clock he was sat in a prison cell and rang Nev up to ask him to pay his bail.

[Boots]

"No worries, mate" said Nev, "You'll find my credit card details in post number 967, I think." Nev grinned as he strolled outside with the cordless phone to check his terracotta pot fridge for a can of coke.
"Holy Mackerel!!" he exclaimed into the phone, "I think I see a rain cloud, Andy!"
Andy leaned back against the cold wall of his cell.
"Thank God for that." Andy said dejectedly, "At least all that dancing naked business paid off for someone!"
"Well, you make sure you tell your lawyer that, son. I better go and make sure the gutters are all clear. You have a great day, Andy!" Nev said.
He tucked the phone into the back pocket of his overalls and went in search of a ladder.

"Chicken Soup or Sausage Casserole?" A blue uniform asked as he snatched the phone back from Andy. "And don't be giving me any of that long-haired hippy vegetarian lip!" He sneered, staring down at Andy.

"That's Dave, not me." sighed Andy rolling his eyes.

"Well, well, well. I spose you're a twin too, eh? And it was your twin dancing about in Bath with your dangly bits bouncing about for all to see? Scary young children and blinding our aged folk? Yeah, yeah.... you have no idea how many twins we meet in here young man. Tons of 'em. Now what will it be... Soup or Casserole?"

[Andy Hamilton]

"Neither, I think I have made bail. You don't happen to have a computer I can use". excliamed Andy.
"what's in it for me?" said the copper.
"5 fair trade cotton selfsufficientish bags" said Andy in a snap.

Whilst leaving the cell Andy decided that he should nip over to Hedgewizards to let him know what he thought of the trouble his raindancing idea had got him into. He jumped on his penny farthing put on his cape and he was off.

Meanwhile over at Ina's Yurt.........

[Wombat]

She was trying to work out where to put all the preserved German sausage she had just made so that she would have plenty of meat for the winter. "gets bloody cold up here"she thought" it will be good to have something that I can just pull out of the rafters and make a feed with".

With winter looming and an organic wool yurt to heat, she also needed some good dry hardwood, but she needed help to collect enough. "No point rininging Shirl, she never answers her bloody phone, I know! I'll ring Shiney......." she said.

[hedgewizard]

*exterior shot - house in darkness. A single light burns from a room at the rear of the house. Silence. Somewhere a dog barks once. Suddenly:*

Chicken FX : Bok-bok-bok-bok-BDERRRK! BDERRRRK! BWAAAAAK-BWAAAAK- (continues)

*Lights begin to come on in upstairs rooms of neighbouring houses*

Male voice : Is that you again, you mad tart? KEEP IT DOWN! Some of us are trying to sleep!

Various other voices : Shut that bloody row! I'll have the police to you! etc

*cut to exterior shot - rear of house. Zoom to kitchen window where SHINY is doing something hidden by lower window reveal. SHINY has telephone clamped between shoulder and left ear and appears dishevelled*

SHINY: "I don't know Mum, maybe the neck of the bottle is too narrow. Hang on." (her face contorts with effort)

Chicken FX : BDERRRRK! BWAAAAAK-BWAAAAK...

SHINY: (raises marigold-clad hand with feather stuck to it to wipe her sweaty brow) "It's no good, it's fine until I try to get the beak in and then..." (pauses) "Mum, there's another call coming in, I'll call you back." (presses button) "Ahoy-hoy?"

[Boots]

"Ahoy Seaman Shiney!" Ina's voice glitters down the line.
Shiney releases the bottle wearing chicken with a hoot of triumph and grins into the phone.
"I did it!" she says.
On further enquiry, she explains she is trying a new technique to stop pecking behaviours in her chooks.
"It works a bit like those funnel things you use on dogs" she explains seriously.

The chicken hoists its heavy head inside the recycled vinegar bottle into the air and walks tentatively across the lounge room floor, the bottles weight leading the animal on staggering trip across the carpet.

"I have a plan!" announces Ina and Shiney leans her head toward the receiver intrigued, as her eyes follow the chook around the room.

"I have built an ark!" exclaims Ina.

[Andy Hamilton]

Meanwhile over at Chickpeas house....

Chickpea: with all this rain we have had it's a wonder that no-one is not building an ark. (with amusement)
Millie: I would not joke about it chickpea, there was something on News 24 last night a little article about global warming. It seems that it is happening far, far quicker than was first thought. Ina rang me up after watching it last night and she emailed me plans for an ark. You can make one out of recycled pizza boxes and old bread bags.
Chickpea: Have you been sleeping recently?
Millie : NO its true, how many floods have been on the news lately? It is always the first item.

[digiveg]

Far away in distant Wales, the first drop hits the ground...

(camera switches to sunbaked plain, punctuated by bottle-wearing chickens trying to peck the bleached earth. Zoom shot to sky, drop falling - pans back, drop hits, earth shakes.)

'Cripes! What the *%($)") was THAT!!!' screamed SHINY...

More drops followed...soon, the earth was actually DAMP! Neighbours wandered, dazed, from their hovels to gaze in wonder at the obscured heavens.

(Chickens recoil in horror, bottles swinging, as the huge, bloated drops plummet to the ground. Background sounds of squawks, and general fowl-generated mayem.)

Eventually, a dark line appears on the horizon...a small wave; but that's just the first one...

[hedgewizard]

Exterior shot, long: the bush. In the distance a line of dust signals the approach of a vehicle.

Exterior shot, close: NEV's jeep jostles along the track, spewing dust.

NEV's jeep, interior: We see the dash clearly. What looks like an old microwave oven has been converted into a makeshift radar. As the green arm sweeps round, a indistinct blob gets closer and closer accompanied by the pinging of the radar.

NEV: "That's it, me beauty!" (he brings the jeep to a skidding halt)

Exterior shot, the bush with Nev's jeep in background: Nev pulls a jumble of equipment out of the trunk and begins to arrange it on the ground. All of it seems to have been something else once, and blue baling twine features prominently. At intervals he peers almost fearfully into the featureless blue sky.

NEV (under breath): Nearly, nearly... (he pays out cable to connect three of what seem to be catering size coffee jars, placing them in an equilateral triangle. As he plugs them in, tiny parabolic dishes emerge from them and commence rotating.)

NEV: Triangulate the vector... (he presses a button on something in the jeep, and a deep hum begins. Red laser sights emanate from the coffee cans, rotating at first but then locking in centrally so that all three beams converge. The parabolic dishes stop rotating, and a rhythmic beeping begins. The beeping is accelerating)

NEV: Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, I've got it this time... (he rummages in the trunk again)

*cut to close up of coffee can triangle at low level. The beeping continues to accelerate.*

*cut to close up of NEV's panicky face as he continues to rummage through the clutter in the trunk* How can I not have a bleedin'...

*cut to close up of coffee can triangle at low level. The beeping is almost continuous now*

*cut to close up of NEV*

NEV: Aha! (He dives out of shot)

*Exterior shot, the bush with Nev's jeep in background. The beeping reaches critical point. Nev slides into the middle of the triangle like an american football player, arm outstretched holding out an open, empty jam jar. A single drop of rain lands in the jar.*

SFX: Plop!

NEV: Gotcha! (He screws the lid on quickly and holds the jar up to the light, admiring it.

SFX: mobile phone rings

NEV: (rapture broken) Eh?

[bazil]

smith: the names smith ...agent smith....ministry of meteorology....we have reason to believe you have caught a raindrop.......a LIVE raindrop


NEV:-

[den_the_cat]

Nev: Who me, what? whatcha onnabout mate?, I'm just, er, out here catching fireflies, anyway, gotta go the reception's really bad and pschhhh....wheeeeeeeeeee....psttwwwwap.....[Nev makes a noise something like a crackle I can't think how to type]

In the Ministry of Meteorology Agent Smith slowly replaces the phone and strokes his white fluffy cat, especially bred to withstand the extremes of a British Winter and capable of giving almost a lb of pure wool when shorn for the summer. The infamous Nev is lying, he can feel it in his bones, and besides the satellite zoom clearly shows Nev still gazing entraptured at a drop of liquid in a jar.

Smith looks once again at the printout of internet logs showing that a mysterious website, with an international membership and promoting ideas likely to cause panic and chaos if they ever became public, has been discussing not only rain but also fuel efficient cars. These are dangerous anarchists.

"Fluffy", he says, not having been endowned with an over active imagination in terms of cat naming, "I think this is a job for [cue dramatic music] Department X"

[hedgewizard]

*cracking idea Den and Bazil*

*Exterior shot: Canary Wharf, London. Caption: "Department X Headquarters, twenty minutes later*

*cut to interior shot, meeting room. A long table and thirteen chairs dominates the room. Twelve men and women in identical black suits sit at twelve of the chairs, trying to look comfortable and sinister at the same time. The remaining chair, at the head of the table, is empty because its owner is pacing up and down v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y so as not to disturb the white cat he is holding. The cat is making a warning rumble and looks as if it might be tempted to take all the skin off his face at the slightest provocation.*

SMITH: "...and so, ladies and gentlemen, this so-called forum must be investigated before they begin to focus media attention on their... self-sufficient... that is to say, less compliant, lifestyles. Each of you has been assigned a target." (he gestures to an aide, who activates a giant viewscreen on one wall.A map appears, with flags indicating forum members.The map zooms and pans as he speaks.)

SMITH: "I will be investigating the evil clones of the man known only as Hamilton, who masterminds this piece of cyber-perversity. Agent Black, you will investigate member Ina with her illegal watercraft manufacturing facility. Agent White, you have been assigned the renegade Nev, with his raindrop capture technology and kitchentop sugar extraction, both aimed at undermining global agribusiness. Agent Blue, your target is the woman known only as Shiny, with her sick chicken-bottling activities. We need to know why anyone would do such a thing, even if their mother does live in France. Agent Green, your target is..."

*fade and cut to...*

[den_the_cat]

A BBC Weather Forcast, Michael Fish can be seen just bringing the segment to a close....

Fish; "Now I have a letter here from a lady in Aberdeenshire saying that she's heard that we're going to have a lot of rain this week. She's asking if there's any need to be concerned.

Shirley, I can promise you that you don't need to worry, there will be some rain, in fact more than there's been for quite a while, and we might even get enough that the resevoirs are half full again, but there's no risk of any danger, so you can all sleep peacefully"

*cut to Nev who is.....*