Selfsufficientish the soap opera

[the.fee.fairy]

still staring at the raindrop in wonder. He thinks about where it might have come from...more importantly...how to get more.

Meanwhile, at X Headquarters, a heated debate is still goin on.

Agent Green: i refuse to follow this target, i do believe their farm to be dangerous in the eyes of the regime. Is there no way we can allow them to live out their lives in a peaceful manner without bargin in all the time'

*cue startles gasps from the rest of department X*

Agent Blue: but but but...agent green...what's got into you lately...you used to be one of our staunch supporters'

Agent green cackles maniacally and replies in a broad scots accent

'maybe the wine's changed my mind'

He undressed and rips off the latex prosthetics hiding his true identity to reveal Stoney...

He points to Agent Primrose and says 'reveal thyself' Agent Primrose turns around and begins stripping off makeup to reveal...

[digiveg]

...to reveal Madame X, clad in full-body skintight black latex, with large and ominous holster-ish thingie attached to belt.)

'Avon calling,' drips a voice of frozen steel. 'Incidentally, have I ever told you that your cat reminds me of a reincarnation of Charles Grey?'

Madame X struts (well, you try walking on those things) to centre stage, posing at almost every step.

'So, what's the plan, Dan?' she leans over Smith's desk, fondling his fluffy furry purry. 'Gotcha self a little problem that ONLY I can solve?'

(Cat rears up, swipes at Madame X, misses and draws blood instead from Agent Smith's inner left thigh. Agent Smith screams, rears up, swipes at cat, misses and knocks Scotch over legs of Madame X.)

'Touche, methinks...' whispers X. 'Wanna ditch the cat?'

(Cut to bleak sandblasted plain, where Nev can still be seen mumbling incoherently at his captured prize. Bottle-clad chickens still punctuate the view, stumbling here and there, persued by members of the Chicken Police. This stalwart crew, nets in hand, venture forth into the most inhospitable regions to protect and define chickenhood, against all perils - such as those in the form of Shiney and her Mum, both of whom have figured large on their '10 most wanted' list' for some time.

Suddenly, on the distant horizon, a large, dark shape appears...could it be the prow of a ship???

[Wombat]

No it couln't, but on investigation it appears to be a huge blimp! Piloted by that well known prestidigator and counterculture exponent - Hedgewizard!

Strewth, Hedgie! Am I glad to see you! Says Nev and oce aboard they start off to re-circumnavigate the world and wind up back in the UK.

Unfortunately the redoubtable agent White, who has never been known to say die, has been known to say "stinger missile". fortunately his aim is shocking and all he terrorises are a few gum trees and the odd (and I do mean odd) bottle clad chook.

Back in the UK and after looking at all of the official and unoffical goings on, the twins Hamilton declare simultaneously (and at the same time) - "This has got to Stop!"

"What we MUST do NOW is .............

[Boots]

....Collect some Mushrooms!"

And they don their floppy hats and skip to the front door.

"Let's take the tandem!" announces Andy and the pair race through the streets of Bristol alerting residents of the imminent dangers and encouraging all to check their bins for bugs.

Arriving at some nearby woodland, they disguise the tandem beneath some carefully prepared bracken. Just as they are preparing to advance into the forest a voice behind them freezes them on the spot.
Turning, they see a turnip weilding, bearded bushman approaching.

"Stay right where you are. Don't move an inch" The wildman announced calmly and resolutely. He brandishes his turnip confidently as he strides toward them.
"You...will...tell...me.." He says with steely determination, "Exactly what that weird dome habitat thing is and exactly why you keep building them throughout this reserve..."

Andy looked at Dave. Dave looked at Andy. Dave and Andy looked back at the wildman. The wildman looked from Dave to Andy.

Suddenly the sun disappeared and they all looked up.

A giant shadow loomed above their heads, covering the sun, and the woods grew silent.

"Fear not!" Yelled Nev, as he dropped a handmade rope ladder from the blimp, and it fell heavily onto Dave's head, knocking him unconscious beside his brother....

[hedgewizard]

"What the hell is going on?" yelled Hedgewizard, who had lost the thread of all this some time ago, from his protective octogram in the blimb's forecastle.

[Boots]

"Bugger" muttered Nev

"Can you hold this airship steady Hedgie? I just knocked out one of the Hamilton's and Muddy's down there applying a turnip poultice.... I think..."

They both peer down at the trio below them.

"Splash some of that compost tea over the edge" suggests Hedgie, "That might help wake him up."

"Here," says Nev, "you have a whiff to. It might help you keep up with the action!" and he then poured a barrel of compost tea from the blimp and crossed his fingers.

[Shirley]

Kersploooshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! The contents of the barrel hit the surprised trio... it even woke Dave who seemed to be ok, but he kept singing some song about a funky monkey - back to normal there then.

Muddy made a comment about the smell - "it's like sticking your head up a cows bottom" - come on you two, let's find a river so we can get cleaned up.

Just then, Dave espied the blimp and realised just who had poured the foul smelling liquid on them. "Ahoy there matey - can you take us to the interforum games... there is a campsite there and we can get cleaned up and then we can all have a game of rounders and get drunk on homebrew"

"Climb aboard" shouted Hedgie.... "You know where the ladder is"

They climbed aboard - Nev and Hedgie almost jumped overboard because of the smell but braced themselves and Nev set the blimp on a course to Devon.

Meanwhile, dark clouds and the distant rumble of thunder could mean only one thing...........

[Wombat]

Yep, you guessed it! Flatulence!

The blimp was powered by "natural gas" and the sulphur compounds being burned have resulted in a destabilisation of the upper atmosphere and -

Rain, blessed rain!

Andy, Dave, muddy, Hedgie and Nev danced around in the cockpit of the blimp as the big, fat raindrops started to fall, all they needed to do now was capture some of the water to wash off the compost tea-ed trio.

Unfortunately Dave was still a bit groggy from the blow to his head by the ladder and proceeded to......

[Boots]

.... bound toward Muddy and envelope him in his best rugby tackle.

The pair slithered and slopped about on the floor of the blimp as Dave insisted Muddy release his iron grip on the turnip.

Mutter, mutter. Grunt. Gimme. Fffff. Mutter, mutter. Agh. Get... eh. Ffff. Sssh. Grunt. Mutter, mutter. Bang. Crash. Doh.

Staggering into Hedgewizards multi-media system, the flat screen suddenly sprung to life. The screen shimmered briefly before a voice stilled the rioting pair and all eyes turned to see...

[hedgewizard]

...the face of Agent Smith in extreme close-up sporting a pair of ray-bans. In the background Fluffy can be seen, newly-shorn and wearing a button-up Burbery cat jacket. Agent Smith has numerous cat lacerations on his face, which spoils the sinister appearance a bit.

"Mister Ham-il-tonnn," he drawls. "At last we have a fix on you. Er, both. Why do you resist us, Mister...s Hamilton? We both know you were born to fit in with our society. The Oracle must have told you that much."

"Up yours, Smith," snarled Dave.

"Yeah," added Andy. "We only look at BBCi."

"Enough!" roared Smith, partly for dramatic effect but mostly to make himself heard over the flatulence storm. "It's time to end this game!" The lights on the blimp flickered and went out, and it began to list alarmingly in the wind.

"Now what is it?" shouted Muddy back to Hedgewizard, who was frantically wrestling with the control panel. "This had better not be one of those poorly-conceived metaphors for the illusion of personal choice in a media-controlled environment, or you'll feel the blunt end of my turnip!"

"Nothing's working!" Hedgewizard screamed into the teeth of the gale, waving an incense burner over the console and fingering his protective amulets. "Steering, attitude, everything... you know how it is on these new models. Once the Engine Control Unit goes... poof! You're buggered. Everything's dead!"

"Not everything..." said Nev, extending a shaking finger to point at the still glowing screen, where Agent Smith's grinning face came closer and closer and finally...

[Boots]

...bumped clumsily into the camera. He righted his Raybans on his nose and tutted, before reasserting his rehearsed sinister smirk.

"Resistance is futile. You will now be remotely controlled around the globe as we extradite all evidence of your revolting society and bundle you up in the gaseos confines of your own making". He sneers.

Fluffy flicks a tail haughtily.

"Not Quite, dear Mumford" responds Muddy striding toward Nev in a no-nonsense fashion distinct to wild men. He begins scraping compost tea from Nev's clothing into a foldable pop-up cup from the 70's, whipped from his tool belt, as he hums an ancient tune from the same relic timeframe.

"Are you thinking, what I'm thinking?" asks Nev.

"Probably Not" says Muddy,
"But best we regenerate this control panel."

With deft hands he reaches beneath the silent board and it suddenly gives birth to a globule of coloured wires.

Hedwizard is horrified.

Sorting carefully through the wires he selects, joins, crimps with his teeth, and then plaits merely for aesthetic reasons, before positioning the plastic pop-up cup carefully on the floor, measuring with hand spans vertically and horizontally.
Turning to Dave he extends a hand and says simply, "Spit".

Dave obliges and drops a lump of chewing gum in his palm, which he then uses to secure the cup. The compost tea swirls with the movement of the airship.

Turning to Andy he begins to speak, then rethinks his question.
He turns to Nev. "You got a coin?"

"Don't you people have any money?" he asks and passes him his lucky dollar with a wince.

Placing the plaited wire into the liquid methane, he drops the coin into the cup and the control board springs to life.

Woo hoo! Hedgewizard hoots and immediately turns up his latest Dido CD. "How the heck did you do that?" he asks impressed.

"No idea" Muddy shrugs... "Ask Nev."

But Nev was busy positioning his coffee cans in front of the flatscreen. Agent Smith attempted to look nonchalant in his Raybans, but a definate tic was appearing and his upper lip looked decidedly unsteady .....

[digiveg]

...so unsteady, in fact, that suddenly his Raybans fell from his face as it transformed into...The Arch Avatar - the huge, hulking monolithic and fabled being of folklegend and Channel 4 psycho-documentaries...

'I suppose you think that's air, etc etc.' he announced in a vast, profound voice.

'Well, no, actually, the inherent existence of air cannot be posited,' replied Hedgewizard. 'In fact, nor can you, so it's the perfect time for you to bugger orf!' So saying, he raised both hands to the (now definitely dripping) heavens, pronounced the appropriate words, ('ger gawd's sake, get lorst') and spun all possible amulets simultaneously.

With a rather violent puff of noxious smoke, adding substantial amounts of ozone, methane and - well, nasty sulphurish stuff - to the atmoshpere, Agent Smith exploded into a swarm of astral cats which faded gradually from view, until only a sardonic grin and an expired TV license was left.

[hedgewizard]

"By all the gods," Hedgewizard cried to the sky. ""what HAVE you been smoking, Digi?"

[digiveg]

'Well, humph!' muttered Digi, offstage. 'It's all YOUR fault. You told me they were ceps! I figured, if they're OK to eat, they must be OK to smoke...'

(Sound of human body falling off stool)

'Ouch! Er, I think...wow...'

[hedgewizard]

Roll credits?