Songs for the self-sufficient...

[Stonehead]

I have the advantage of having pigs, so my first nominations have to be muck-spreading numbers...

FLING IT HERE, FLING IT THERE - The Yetties

Way down on our farm we are quite up to date
For mechanisation's the by word of late
For every task we've a gadget to match
But our new muck spreader's the best of the batch

Chorus:
Fling it here
Fling it there
If you're standing by then you'll all get your share

Now young Walter Hodgkins, he brought back a load
Of liquid manure from the farm up the road
And he hummed to himself as he drove down the street
And his load also hummed in the afternoon heat

Chorus
Now his muck spreader had a mechancial fault
and a bump in the road turned it on with a jolt
An oderous spray of manure it let fly
Without fear or favour on all who passed by.

Chorus

The cats and the dogs stunk to high kingdom come
And the kiddies, browned off, ran home screaming to mum
The trail of sheer havoc were terrible grim
One open top car were filled up to the brim

Chorus

The vicar, who's windows were all open wide
When a generous helping descended inside
The vicar, at table, intoned Let us pray
When this manure from heaven came flying his way

Chorus

In her garden Miss Pringle was quite scandalised
"Good Gracious!" she cried, "I've been fertilised"
While the methodist minister's tee-total wife
Got plastered for the very first time in her life

Chorus

And all of this time Walter trundled along
He was quite unaware there was anything wrong
Til a vision of woe flagged him down, what a sight!
A policeman all covered in ....You've got it right!

[Stonehead]

And number two choice is on the same theme:

EDDIE BAKER'S MUCKSPREADER - John Kirkpatrick

Now in My-tholm-royd in Yorkshire, one Saturday in June
All the village was preparing for the fete that afternoon
There were sideshows, stalls and roundabouts and every kind of game
But the village fete will never now be quite the same
For this pleasant country scene was transformed by a machine
Which belonged to Eddie Baker from the farm just down the road
With his tractor and his trailer and his load both sweet and pure
Five hundred imperial gallons of best liquified manure

Chorus:
Down the road went Eddie Baker in his rattling old boneshaker
And he never knew the trail he left behind him

Now Eddie quickly picked up speed on the track from Lower Lumb Farm
Though his load careered madly he never thought 'twould come to harm
And so noisy was the clatter and the crashes and the booms
He had to turn his old transistor up so he could hear the tunes
As he zoomed across a bump it triggered off the trailer's pump
And its hose discovered freedom it had never known before
It waved wildly round and round, from side to side and up and down
As spreading dung and desperation, Eddie sailed into the town

Chorus

Now Jemima Smith and Barney from down the old folks' home
Were on their way to a lunchtime tipple at the Peacock and Trombone
She was adjusting of her spectacles to a admire a garden rose
When a blast from Eddie's onslaught whipped 'em right from off her nose
'Oh, gawd', says old Jemima, 'I've just had a funny turn
Oo , I feel or cold and clammy and how my skin does burn'
'Oh, speak up, dear', says Barney, as together they did cling
'It's short-circuited me deaf-aid, I can't hear a bleeding thing

Chorus

Now the Icecream Factory Silver Band were warming up to play
To commence the celebrations of that very special day
When there appeared on their music dots they couldn't play too well
As with the gentle tang of Brasso mingled a new exciting smell
And their tunes all went awry as they hung 'em out to dry
And the sousaphone player played his last 'cause he sucked when he should have blowed
There were different tunes in different times and all in different keys
And 'Nellie the Elephant' sounded more like 'The Flight of the Bumble Bee'

Chorus

Now the greasy pole was greasier than ever known before
And the icecream had a chocolate sauce no palate could ignore
And into the coffee-coloured candy-floss Grannie Walker plunged her teeth
And for evermore the ones on top were stuck to the ones beneath
And in the tug-o-war there were broken bones galore
There was blood all round the bottle stall as both teams slithered through
There was chaos round the cake stall and the tea was more like glue
'Cause you didn't just get sugar when they asked, 'One lump or two?'

Chorus

Now Geraldine the Carnival Queen was looking all forlorn
She got browner than she bargained for as she sunbathed on the lawn
And it gave a fatal heart attack to next-door's pekinese
Whilst upon its back a skating match took place among its fleas
And the force of the cascade swept through the goldfish of Miss Blade
Right up into the hanging basket down at number twenty-three
And it dumped the Johnson's tortoise in the bird bath at the Jones'
And wiped the smile right off the faces of their plastic garden gnomes

Chorus

Now the Reverend Roderick Butterworth was sitting down to eat
When the perilous plague of pestilence came belting down the street
Some of it fell among the thorns, some fell on stony ground
And some fell on his car outside with all his windows down
'Oh, bugger!', said the vicar, as he swigged some demon liquor
'I suppose we should be thankful that it's not St Swithin's Day
But even my insurance doesn't cover act of God
And I know the scouts are going to say, "Stuff this for bob-a-job"'

Chorus

So he trundled through the village, down the road and past the hall
And where he'd been for years after all the weeds grew ten feet tall
And he never knew the chaos that he'd caused along his way
And he never heard the crashes as he crossed the motorway
And in time he'll dwell on high in that great muckheap in the sky
Where St Peter'll dive for cover every time he passes by
It'll rust up all their haloes, it'll clog up all their wings
As, wiping shit from off their faces, all the angels they will sing

Chorus


And then there's the Wurzel's Champion Dung Spreader.

But what I'd like is a suggestion for a scything or hoeing song. Any ideas?

Stonehead

[ina]

Where do you find them?

[Boots]

Um.. howbout...

...in 7 dwarf fashion!

High Hoe, High Hoe,
it's off to work I go!
With spirits high
and back bent low
High hoe, high hoe,
high hoe, HIGH HOE!

... and an Aussie Number... think you will recognise the tune

Swish goes the Scythe, mate
Swish, Swish, Swish
Wide is the swing
And the hand moves quick.

The OH looks around
and wipes a hand across her brow,
And curses the old bugger
What will he come up with now?

Swish goes the Scythe, mate
Swish, Swish, Swish
Wide is the swing
And his hand moves quick.

Looks across his acres
Only 'nother four to go
And turns to his offsider
To find she's turned on her toe.

Swish goes the Scythe, mate
Swish, Swish, Swish
Wide is the swing
And his hand moves quick

Ya bloody mad, ya bugger!
She calls across the grass
7 days work You said!
7 days my arse!

Swish goes the Scythe, mate
Swish, Swish, Swish
Wide is the swing
And his hand moves quick...





Going back to work now, with that tune stuck in my head!