Ashes Antics

[Boots]

Well, I dunno why you lot are so quiet...

The Ashes would be pretty dull without Monty, I've decided. About time the Poms provided us with a Personality who can also Play.

Am just loving watching him... And have to admit to actually swapping sides there just for a micro-second, because I honestly wanted to see him take a wicket and light up like a little kid on Christmas Morning.

Where is the Northhampshire lot then? They sure can be proud of that bloke!

[Chickpea]

It's all too depressing, so here are a few jokes that cheered me up.


Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.

Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the
next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.

Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An allrounder.

Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and
Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his
name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by
English batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the
English team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

[Chickpea]

It's all too depressing, so here are a few jokes that cheered me up.


Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.

Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the
next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.

Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An allrounder.

Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and
Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his
name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by
English batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the
English team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

[Muddypause]

Well, I dunno why you lot are so quiet...

I can't answer for anyone else, but in my case it's because I have no interest in cricket whatsoever. You're quite welcome to that little urn of bail ashes if it makes so much difference to you.

I wouldn't begrudge anybody the pleasure of playing the game, and whilst it seems rather more innocuous than the interminable football, I don't really get it at all. At least football focuses the attention of the riff-raff for a couple of hours, and keeps the off the streets for a while.

[Boots]

So are you their coach?

[Muddypause]

You mean we have a coach?

How damned unsporting of us.

[Boots]

Have been listening to the commentators...

We have an Aussie and a Pom on each commentary team. They are hell funny. The Poms use words like... extraordinary, skillful execution, promising delivery, exemplary run record... that kind of thing... and refer to their team as "cricketers"...

There are long pauses between comments.

Aussie commentators use words like... Yeah, Oh, If you say so umpire!, Havva look at this!, Y-es! He's going for it! Aw, tough luck mate!... and refer to their team by position and/or nicknames.

The Poms have one nicknamed player - Hoggie.. That's funny too!

Australia likes Monty. Can we have him instead of the urn?